Monday, May 22, 2006


Being as Joe has probably been the only person to sing "Baby Got Back" in Heinz Hall, I'd like to offer similarly daunting tasks to the other Dwellers whilst leaving myself out for reasons that are obivious (I'm lazy.)

Joe, this song in Heinz Hall is big. Here are some other ridiculous tasks you can do in theatres around town.
1. Take a Pitt freshman to the Soldiers & Sailors hall to "Show her the lighting rig."
2. Make out in two of the three theatres in Point Park's building.
3. Get drunk in the Hazlett. Did you do that one already?
4. Goose an usher in the Public.
5. Prank call the Byham.
6. Get a play produced by the City Theater.

Mike, since you have been changing the intellectual wave of your college campus, I suggest you don't stop there. Make a map of the local area, a la Risk, and begin persuading people to think like you. It'll be fun. See how far you get.

Nang, figure out how to make dirty old men stop hitting on hotties young enough to be their daughter's younger lesbian lover. If you can do that, you will have every woman in the service industry begging to read your book. And Oprah too.

Dave, I dare you to let a gay guy hit on you and set up a date. You don't have to show up. It's the evil thought that counts.

James, take to task those who wield grammer carelessly. Make an actual grammer police force. Uniforms and all. Do it. You know you've always wanted to do that. You can have a website too.

Matt, I don't know you. Make silly faces on the jumbotron at heinz field.

Larry, become the champion bum fighter dressed as your old bum character.

There you go!
Mike the Tall

Friday, May 19, 2006

Late-Nite Zuma Session

I don't know what came over me last night--I had arrived back from a great evening of hanging out with old friends, watching stupid TV shows, and eating vanilla Frosties. But for whatever reason, despite being very tired, I couldn't just turn in for bed. Something came over me, an uncontrollable urge to seek justice and accomplishment: I had to play Zuma.

Now, I have been known in the past for really getting into to my Zuma-sessions (and God help anyone who ruins one with a heaping of jibber jabber). I am overcome by this immovable sense of duty, of responsibility. Because if I don't stop this onslaught of rolling, multi-colored, bowling balls who will? This game has so much more importance and excitement than something like Insaniquarium, Pizza Frenzy or Chuzzle. Those are mere kid-play. This was serious.

Even more interesting was my choice of war music: that angsty British forty-something, Morrissey. Only his anti-American suave could power my manly aura of determination. His new CD is twice as good as his previous one, but I wasn't discriminating. I let them both play, leading me into the dark of night.

My frog was spinning around, vomiting colored duck-pin balls at this rolling snake intruder, racking up points and combos by the second--I had entered into this Zuma-Zen that propelled me through level after level. I couldn't stop! I needed to sleep, but I couldn't. I wasn't going to throw the match, the Aztec gods were depending on me. Besides, I had gotten farther than ever before!

After one o'clock rolled around, my feeble body began to give out. My reaction time was slowing down. Morrissey was starting to dip back into The Smiths. I wasn't going to give up, but I felt the natural tug of defeat.

My Zuma session would be over...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

150 Reasons to Hate Manute Bol

Hey, Joe here,
With the first of my 15 blog instalment of 150 Reasons to Hate Manute Bol, as inspired by a conversation about a college essay little mike could have writen but did not.

1) What the hell kind of name is Manute Bol anyways

2) He is 7 foot 7 inches tall

3) He will block your shot, no matter what

4) manute averages 2.3 pounds per inch

5) he is almost 3 mugsy boggs

6) he actually mail ordered an ant farm

7) he refused to say ho ho ho green giant during a press conference

8) the fabric it takes to make him one nike jumpsuit could shelter a boy scout on a campboree

9) He once wrote a short story entitled life begins at 7 foot 7.

10) it takes him longer to fall down then a man of average height

joe eoj

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Have a Topless Senior Year

I would like to direct this Stephen Elko and his local photography studio. Now, Steve, I hate to take you on like this. After all, you did sponsor my brother’s little league team – quite possibly the most dominating group of 11-year-olds since the Goonies. Sadly, someone needs to call you out. Your billboards are both stupid and creepy. They are, in a word, horrible.

First of all, the grammar sucks. It asks if you are AN 007. Now, I assume this is a reference to the graduating class of 2007, and the accompanying senior pictures which put the food on the table. Now, clearly the 007 is also the reference to James Bond, Double-O Seven. You even ape the James Bond logo. So, whenever anyone looks at the sign it reads “Are you an double-o seven”. Check the article, dude. Last time I checked double started with a consonant. This calls for ‘a’ instead of ‘an’. This is simple grammar, and there’s no excuse for you to have huge billboards all over the county with such an egregious error on it. Who’s checking your grammar? Joe?

Well, that’s why the billboards are stupid. Now, it’s on to the second, more chilling charge. Your billboards are very creepy. Why in God’s name would you put a picture of a topless youth on your billboard? Who takes their Senior photos sans shirt? Was it the kid’s idea? Seriously, the picture looks like the boy’s audition reel for Playgirl. I refuse to believe any high school kid would actually want a topless senior picture. I don’t care how ripped you are, how big a jock you are, or how cool a table you sit at for lunch, a picture like this opens you up to a huge amount of ridicule. The picture looks like the cover for a gay porn. Surely, when this baby was circulating the halls people whispered behind the kid’s back. He may be cool now, but at the twenty year reunion when the smart kids have become the cool adults this guy’s going to realize how creepy the pictures were.

Then again, maybe the pictures were not the kid’s idea. God, Steve, I hope they weren’t yours. I mean, I hate to even think about it, but I hope the photo shoot didn’t go something like this:

Steve: Well, Billy. We’re almost done here. Why don’t we drop the top and call
this a day.

Billy: Drop the top?

Steve: Come on. Take
that shirt off. You work out. I can tell.

Billy: I need an

Steve: I’m an adult. Don’t bother leaving. All the doors out
of the basement are locked. Just take the shirt off and we can

Billy: Ok. Here. Like this.

Steve: Let me pose
you. Wow, you’re hairless, like a seal.

Now, this in no way meant as an actual description of what transpired. It is still quite likely the kid is a total douche-bag, and insisted on disrobing for his senior photos – ‘hey, old man,’ he might’ve said, ‘light my chest better. I didn’t grease it for nothing’. Of course, this does not adequately explain why you chose this photo of all the photo’s you have taken in recent years. Do you think this makes people want to go to you? Do you believe parents are going to see this creepy, child molester-esque photograph and say immediately to themselves: “Now that’s the basement I’m taking my Billy to for his senior pictures”? Stephen, have you gone mad? Honestly.


Monday, May 15, 2006

New Sketch Show Ahead!

The new sketch show Salvation Impossible 3: What's the Story, Purgatory? is debuting in just under two weeks! This is the first original sketch show the Dwellers have performed since August 2005 and it is going to be worth the wait!

The show debuts on Saturday, May 27th at the Barrow-Little Theater in Franklin, PA. Then, we will be bringing the show back to Beaver County for a show at CCBC on June 9th.

Stay tuned to our main website for more updates about the show and more show dates!

Friday, May 12, 2006

heinz hall

As some of you may already yourself may well be aware of and know, i am a member of improv sensationalists, I-Factor. I-Factor has recently signed a contract to do shows with the river city brass band. . we have traveled to about 8 different locations, but none as exciting and wonderful as tonites location. Heinz Hall.

The river city I-Factor intergrated musical comedy extravaganza, as i've been calling it, payed a visit to Heinz Hall today , and boy was this boy impressed. Not only did i fulfill my dream of being mauled by a stuffed panther infornt of thousands of people, i aslo got to be onstage at Heinz Hall.
and i have the pictures to prove it. which i will post when larry sends them to me.

So basically, i guess this isnt as much of a blog as it is me bragging about being on stage at Heinz Hall. but either way , you get the idea. Heinz Hall, joe, On stage.

Thank you RCBB for everything and thanks I-Factor and especially thanks to Ray our sound engineer for letting me say whatever i wanted during sound check, I think I can Honestly say that i'm the only person who ever sang Baby Got Back , on stage, at Heinz Hall, and I can not lie.

Joe eoJ

Monday, May 08, 2006

Everything but the dalmation

Saturday night, we went to Penn Hills to do a show at "some Volunteer Fire Department thing."
I hereby declare it as "favoritest gig ever."

It was their annual banquet, and after a dinner at a local hotel, they came back to the firehall to find us there. Only a select few even knew that their entertainment was going to be improv. It was a fun show, the highlight of which would have to be Sean (played by Joe) rescuing a cat (played by Mike) from a tree (played by Ben). And the cat was stuck pretty high up there.

After the show we were invited to stick around for a while and partake of the open bar and free snacks. Partaking was done. Oh, yes.

And as if the night couldn't get any better (free snacks!), we were allowed to climb on the truck and get our pictures taken, and we WORE THE HATS. Everyone was so kind. Shout outs to Valerie and Brian, Big Shot Sean, and to Kristin, for heading up our team during flip cup.

Readers, I suggest that if you are ever in a jam, you contact the fine people at Penn Hills #3/North Bessemer VFD. Like if you are bored or something. Not if you have an emergency. And I am just saying that because I am pretty sure none of you live anywhere near Penn Hills. So if your house is on fire, don't call them and let your house burn down while you wait for them to get there, and then blame it on me. Because I warned you, although I appreciate that you respect my opinion that much.

But, you know, I do hate cats, so if yours is in a tree let the wretched thing wait up there until Sean or Brian or somebody has a weekend off. And have some free snacks for them.

Much respect,

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Silent Hill is not a good movie

hey, joe here,

Recently I visited the drive in with a sexy lady. We saw Silent Hill, and the Hills are alive. what a marketing tool that would have been had Hills department store still been around and catering to crazy zombie-esk people. Any ways, Silent Hill sucked. it seemed like two people had two decent ideas for two different movies, then they got together and combined the ideas, then, hired someone totally different to write the ending, someone who didnt know the plot of either movie.

It started out in mid action pretty much, so mid action that my lady freind asked if we missed the begining, now, this may have worked for edipus but it didnt work for silent hill, my reply to my lady friend was, "either we missed it or the writers did" It was the writers. and if the begining forshadows the end, good job, cause they missed that too.

now, i dont want to ruin the movie for anyone, oh wait, someone already did, but the only redeeming quality of Silent Hill , is that it was playing at the drive in.

as far as the Hills have Eyes go's , aside from a pretty intense, and unnecesarrily disturbing rape scene where a deformed monster molests a young girl, the movie was good, it followed the rules of a slasher flick as far as thrill and intensity go's. Try to guess who lives if you see this movie , you may be surprised, although, lack of fingers makes it seem justice is served.

I would like to see the Hills have Eyes 2, and find out how the remaining charactors coupe with what has happened. If they make it home alive.

well thats all for my movie reviews. and in keeping with the popular list blogs,

silent hill has now reached number 3 on the MOVIES I WANT MY 2 HOURS BACK list. the only 2 ahead of it are.

speed 2 and Not without my duaghter.

citizen cane would be on that list if it wasnt for the fact that i wouldnt have wasted more then 2 hours.


joe eoj

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Paid Vacation: The BM Dome Scandal Pt.2


Yeah, I ain't very happy about it either. How am I supposed to dramatize that?