Sunday, December 02, 2007

A Memo to Accounting About Noise Meters

Memorandum: Accounting Department
Subject: Funds Allocated for Noise Measuring Devices

This is the seventh year in a row in which the Pittsburgh Splinters professional deck hockey organization has lost more than $750,000. Our quarterly earnings from ticket sales have been unbelievable, especially when compared to our greatest rival, the Johnstown Double Deckers; so you can imagine how surprised the Board of Directors must be to learn of our constant losses.

After examining our records over the past few months, it has become clear what the problem is: we are allotting too much money to the replacing and maintenance of our Noise Meters. I understand that the Noise Meter is a valuable tool for measuring how excited our crowds are, and they provide valuable information about how our team performs when the audience is loud. That said, these Noise Meters have proven to be ineffectual in reliably measuring noise, because they are easily, and almost always, broken by the crowd. It seems as if we have to repair or replace one of the four machines we have on hand every time we display its use on the JumboTron.

Clearly, mistakes have been made, and we have to move on. Perhaps buying the gauged Noise Meter from India was a bad idea. Or perhaps the steam powered, color-coded meter from Boeing is to blame. It seems as if every meter we have, regardless of it being American-made or imported, breaks after being put to the test. It costs upwards of $379,450.50 to replace the Boeing model, and even more to fly in repairmen for the Indian machine. This isn't even taking in to account the medical bills and insurance claims we have to pay for because of the camera men that are injured every time the Meter explodes. It is all adding up, and I have to wonder how we benefit from it.

So, from here on out, I refuse to approve any further spending on Noise Meters. I find it hard to believe that other sports organizations are able to afford such costly machines — perhaps if the Pittsburgh Penguins weren't constantly rebuilding their six Meters, they could have paid for the new arena themselves. For next Thursday's game, we will continue to use the Meters, but they will not be shown on the JumboTron; perhaps then the crowd will not get so loud as to damage the machine. One this crop of Noise Meters break, however, we will not replace them.

Jack Stanley
Pittsburgh Splinters