Thursday, August 31, 2006

SIDE PROJECT: Dodge Intrepid Drafted on Sept. 9th!


Get your library cards ready! Because the newest performance of "Dodge Intrepid and the Pages of Time" is almost here!

Last we left our hero, he was being abducted by government agents. Now, with our hero kidnapped, Pluck travels to Washington D.C. only to find that Dodge has been drafted by J. Edgar Hoover for a top-secret time traveling mission: stop World War II. Will Dodge break his personal code of not changing history, or will he use his powers to stop the greatest war man has ever seen? Can Pluck get to Dodge in time, or will he run in to a new nemesis? And, with the city of Aliquippa enraged about Grandpa Intrepid's time traveling grandson, will he be able to continue running for mayor?

September 9th will see the debut of the funniest, most exciting episodes yet! So make sure you don't miss this free performance at Cafe Kolache in Beaver, Pennsylvania! The show begins at 7:00PM and is always for all ages!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Class of 2020 Mindset List

The class of 2020 is now entering their freshman year of college. Ahead of them lies a brand new world to experience, and what the future holds is certainly uncertain. However these young adults have grown up remembering the world much differently than you and I have. While the class of 2010 may have never experienced the Soviet Union or life without Wal-Mart, the class of 2020 has an even stranger path to college.

• They have grown up outliving every "end of the world" prophecy left on the planet.
• The class of 2020 will be used to "blog-functionality" infused, rather unnecessarily, with every aspect of their daily lives.
• This freshman class has grown up with the pleasure of never having to vote for a Vietnam-era Senator.
• They will never have to deal with integrating sports teams in to colleges.
• Global cooling has made it so that many of these freshman will never need air conditioners... at least until it starts warming again.
• This class has all watched time-traveling prophet John Titor on television for years.
• Coffee has always caused cancer.
• Their "Livestrong" bracelets are now "Die Hard" bracelets.
• They will have never personally known a member of the "Greatest Generation", who would have surely regarded this class as the "Worst Generation."
• The Weekly World News has always been more trustworthy than the New York Times.
• Photoshop has always been free.
• They have never heard of Saturday Night Live, but they sure do love the Cellar Dwellers.
• Black eyed peas have always been dangerous chemical weapons during their lifetime.
• Apple has always been the dominant hardware system.
• President Bill Clinton is merely looked upon as a traitorous womanizer, much like Mallard Fillmore was looked upon as a whig-wearing nobody in 2006.
• They never saw Tucker Carlson wearing a bow tie.
• The class of 2020 can only count change by 5's because their lowest coin value during their lifetime has always been the nickel.
• President Lincoln has always been on their nickel.
• The Post-Office has always been a museum showcasing the days of yesteryear.
• Horses have always talked.
• It has always been a federal offense to charge more than $3.00 for parking.
• More than 50% of children have always been diagnosed with "Blackberry Thumb."
• They have only known two rulers of England: Blairbot 2000 and J.K. Rowling.
• The number of the beast has always been 665.9999 (repeating).
• Cars have always been powered by homeless vagrants.
• America has always been listed on maps as Los Estados Unidos.
New Orleans has always been owned by Willy Wonka.
• After the ear-bomber of 2016, this freshman class will forever have to swab their ears for airport security.
• TV Land has always shown "Arrested Development."
• George Lucas has always claimed that "Star Wars Episode XII: The Claw of Han" that was written with the original trilogy.
• "Trilogies" have always included five movies.
• Lists always refer back to themselves. Ha.
• Ha ha ha ha.
• The Oxford comma has always been associated with neo-Nazis.
• They have never experienced an iPod.
• The smallest soda drink has always been a "large" and the largest soda drink has always been a "I can drink this."
• Fizz City has always been the capital of Sheetzburg, which was the 54th state in Los Estados Unidos.

Saturday, August 26, 2006


Pluto, the ninth planet from the sun, passed into obscurity Wednesday during perihelion after a long battle with planet definition.
Pluto, billions of years old, is a retired asteroid from the Kuiper Belt.
Pluto leaves behind 8 brothers, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune, along with dozens of niece and nephew satellites and loved relatives still in the Kuiper Belt. Plus a very special friend, Voyager VII.
Pluto toiled in obscurity for most of his life, but recently enjoyed the spotlight. Gravity drew it into the path of his brother Neptune, which both brought him much fame and status, but eventually lead him to pass. He served during the Korean, Vietnam and both Iraq wars helping to light up the night sky. He is perhaps best known for, and was most proud of, being the namesake of Mickey Mouse’s non-talking dog and having the longest year of any of the planets. He enjoyed being Pizza in a mnemonic device.
Services will be held nightly, weather permitting, in backyards and observatories for the next week.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks for donations to schools for new textbooks.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

150 reasons to hate manute bol part 3

Hey, Joe here,
With part 3 of my 15 blog instalment of 150 Reasons to Hate Manute Bol, as inspired by a conversation about a college essay little mike could have writen but did not.

i'll bet you thought i ran out of reasons

31) manute bol is one I away from a minute

32) in blind taste test people prefer coke over manute bol

33) manute bol inspired the song world without love, simply by existing

34) manute bol created tribbles

35) people in france love him

36) manute bol can not be used as a sugar substitute

37) he could easily have reached kittens stuck in trees , but refused to

38) manute bol will not let you eat cereal out of him

39) manute bol is solely responsible for the 6 months of darkness in alaska

40) manute bol does not like grand funk railroad.

that is all , for now.

joe eoj

Friday, August 18, 2006

name that movie.

wow, joe here,

so ya, just when i thought hollywood couldnt get less creative, they prove me wrong once again. As if remakes of movies werent enough, as if remakes of tv shows werent enough, as if remakes of movies about tv shows werent enough, now the marketing geniuses in the world of film and screen are not only lazily distributing crap but even the name of the crap movies lack the creative punch i'm used to seeing on the silver screen. lets see, how'd this conversation go.

1: i have a great idea for a movie

2: really that doesnt sound like something we'd go in for.

1: no listen, it's about snakes, .....get this,.... on a plane.

2: wow, snakes on a plane, that sounds like pure genius , whats it about

1: well , it's about snakes.....on a plane.

2: well i give it the green light, you have our full support just tell me what you need

1:well ,, i'll need snakes......and a plane.

2: you got it

1: great, all we need now is a catchy title that will make people want to see it.

2: hmmmm

1: i got it, how about....the serpant above

2: nah, people might think its about religious coruption.

1: what about boa 737

2: no boeing might sue us.

1: hmmm

2: wait, i got it, how about snakes,..... on a plane.

1: i like it.

so in keeping with this brilliantly creative title i've decided to rename a few movies so when hollywood remakes them they wont have to think to hard. original title on the left , new improved title on the right

titanic -----------------------boat that sank

citizen cane------------------ guy with sled

wizzard of oz----------------- girl with concussion

speed -------------------------movie with bus

great expectations ------------lower your expectations

speed 2 ----------------------movie with boat instead of bus

thelma and louise ------------lesbians in car

bio dome ---------------------waste of time

jaws -------------------------shark in the water

contact ----------------------girl with electra complex

jackass the movie -----------(eh, i guess that one works. )

debbie does dallas -----------the trials and tribulations of debra wallace.

pretty woman ---------------man with a whore

leauge of their own ----------girls playing baseball.

castaway-------------------- tom hanks with a volley ball

anyways i think you get the idea if any one thinks of some more post em.

joe, going to bed.

joe eoj

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Snakes on a Fence

Tonight is the debut of one of the most anticipated films of the year. A film that has been driven by one of the most unique marketing campaigns in some time. I'm talking, of course, about Snakes on a Plane. But with it's opening in sight, it's marketing campaign in full force, and cell phone messages being sent across the country I can only wonder: will the movie suck good enough?

Now, I fully support this film, and have the utmost confidence in the director (who only knows how to make terrible films) and Samuel L. Jackson, who signed on to the do the film before he read the script. I can't remember any other time where a movie has tried to be genuinely awful, without being cheesy-awful. Really it's a fine line that Snakes is teetering on, and it could be one of the great success stories of Hollywood, or one of the biggest flops in a while. It's currently creating a philosophical dilemma deep within my soul, and I can't help but feel vexed.

If the movie sucks, did it do it's job? But what if it sucks, just not enough to be considered good? Some movies suck so bad that they're good... for example Collision Course starring Jay Leno. A terrible movie that I love to watch. Since this movie was made with the intention of being bad and the audience knows this, the entire plan could backfire. Usually, when a movie is "so bad it's good" it is because he reaches that sort of unplanned "suck-zen" that no one can really predict or anticipate. I'd reason that this happens because of the good intentions and pure hearts of the people making it. They think they're crafting good cinema, when really they're polishing a piece of coal. So can a movie aim to recreate this? We'll find out.

"Snakes on a Plane" has managed, in some circles, to already live a full life as a cult film. Much like "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and "Napoleon Dynamite" before it, "Snakes on a Plane" has managed to be embraced and rejected by movie-goers. I know alot of people who were completely caught up in the "Snakes" phenomenon early on, and are now tired of hearing about it. People have gone from loving this movie to being sick of it before it even came out! I would even venture to say that it's currently "trendy" to hate "Snakes on a Plane." Seeing the life-span of a cult film fly by like this is something I would expect to see on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Despite the negative side effects of having buzz about your movie for almost an entire year, "Snakes" is doing alot of things right. It's title song, "Snakes on a Plane (Bring It!)", was found during a song-submission contest for the film. People were asked to write songs for the movie, and the best one would be chosen to lead the way. Thankfully, the filmmakers chose a song that is gloriously stereotypical and average, yet absurdly hilarious. It manages to strike that "suck-zen" that I was talking about. The movie has also utilized the internet more than most films. In fact, I'd say that most of the film's cult following started thanks to websites like Snakes on a Blog. It's because of the internet fanbase that the film went from PG-13 to R (after they requested that Jackson say a certain four-letter word that he says so well). Fan boys were even able to submit lines to be used in the screenplay. The amount of audience collaboration has really made the film unique... and hopefully bad enough to be good.

I hope to go see the film tonight during it's nation-wide "Thursday @ 10pm" opening. I'm hoping that there's a great crowd... I want this movie to succeed. Maybe it's because Sam Jackson is excellent. Maybe it's because this is the kind of self-referential tongue-in-cheek action thriller that Hollywood needs to succeed. Or maybe it's just because I don't want to see this opportunity wasted. This is something that can really only be done once. If it's successful, there will be plenty of copycats. But there will only be one "Snakes on a Plane."

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Paying for Coins

Folks need to make up their minds: are coins worth it or not?

In large quantities, they are totally worth it. Much like parts of Voltron, they are rather useless on their own, but when combined together, they are a force to be reckoned with. People just can't seem to wrap their heads around one side of the argument or the other. So they end up being sort of hypocritical: you should keep change, but don't even think about using it as money!

Let me expound, with examples.

When I get a small amount of change, I cast it aside like it's an orphan on the street. Twelve cents? Get the heck out of here and bother someone else! I usually leave it on the counter, or in a cup so that others make take and share a penny. It's not that I'm rich or too vein to deal with it, but rather I find it useless and annoying. You could keep that twelve cents, letting it clink around in your pants all day, until you get home and lose it in the couch (if you didn't already lose it in your car). So instead, I think it's much more beneficial to just put it in a cup so that others can partake. Or, if it's just a penny, and there isn't a cup to place it in, I throw it on the ground...

That's right. I throw it on the ground.

It's not littering because someone is going to pick that penny up. Maybe not because they need a penny to pay for something (because most clerks will let you go if you're a penny short), but because they believe in the luck-bestowing powers of President Lincoln. While I love Lincoln as much as the next fella, I don't need his stupid penny. Besides, pennies cost more to produce than they are actually worth... which also means that the price of my thoughts just rose as well.

So when I cast my change aside, people look at me like I'm a total ass. "Are you seriously not keeping that eighteen cents?" they'll say to me. It's not like I just punched a baby in the face, I just didn't want to keep the change. "But it's still money," they'll say. When I offer it to them, they don't want anything to do with it.

For as much as I'm chastised for refusing to acknowledge that small amounts of change are currency, I'm chastised even more for actually using change to buy things. I'm not talking about lugging in sacks of pennies to buy an iPod, but rather purchasing cheap goods like a cup of coffee or a donut.

Every time I drive in to Pittsburgh for work, I go through this quaint little drive-thru coffee shop. It's nice. But because drinking coffee can get expensive, and because I've been on a very tight budget as of late, I use change in my car to pay for the drink. It's about $1.44. So that's five quarters and two dimes (and then I say "Keep the penny" because I sure as heck don't want it!) I roll up there in my LeSabre each morning, roll down the window, order the same thing, and hand them the same amount of change. And each time, the guy smirks at me, as if to say "I can't believe you are so cheap as to pay with change." I'm sure that those clerks refer to me as "The Change Guy" or "Silver McGraw" after I drive away. Is it so wrong that I pay with all change? Isn't that what you people want me to do, instead of just throwing the change away or keeping it in a jar in my room?

Of course, the whole operation goes sour last week, when I pull up to the coffee shop and try and hand them my $1.44 in change and a punch card (buy eight coffees get one free, sucka!) I am trying to hand the guy the change and the card in one try. I've done this before, it's never a problem. But this time, the guy bobbles the change! He can't grasp the transaction that's taking place, and the coins explode! Change flies everywhere, banging off of my car door, smacking on to the tar below.

"Oh god!" I exclaim, immediately ashamed of my abuse of the coin.

"Just... Just don't worry about it. Just go," he says, knowing that Silver McGraw has struck again.

I try to open my door, to salvage some of the coins that dropped, but he continues to insist that I "just go." So I drove away, and never turned back.

Yet only once have I actually gotten a complaint from a cashier for using change.

I was extremely hungry, and craving non-other than the Papa Burger at A&W. So I drove out there one evening, with just a handful of change (two dollars and something). I ordered the burger, pulled around the drive-thru and change the guy the change. After he handed me the receipt, he said, "If you take that receipt and go to our website, you can register to win a million dollars... then you don't have to buy cheeseburgers with change."

Just be happy I'm not using food stamps.

I can't win. People want me to use coins, but when I use them I get dirty looks. The only way to win is to take your change and give it to any charity you can find--whether it's in a clear plastic box next to a cash register, or one of those spiral coin slides you can find at the mall. Just give that to charity, because they can actually use coins. And they won't spill them on the streets.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The New Cellar Dwellers Website!

I'm happy to announce that the Cellar Dwellers have a brand new website! In case you only come and read this blog (which must be really boring considering the drought it's currently experiencing), check out our regular home page for a change!

I spent the last few weeks revamping the site, trying to get it ready in time for the Dwellers' trip to Philadelphia. Speaking of which, did you hear the Cellar Dwellers are debuting in Philadelphia this week? Oh yeah, big time. The group is performing this Saturday at the Five Spot-- the doors open at 9, the show starts at 9:15PM. The Dwellers are performing a special edition of "A Thousand Rays of HYPE", the hit "best of" show that we toured around last Winter. The set list has been updated a tad, with a helping of hilarious sketches from "Salvation Impossible:3".

This is the first time the Dwellers have ever performed in Philly, and as a group we're all really looking forward to it! I, unfortunately, cannot make the trip out to the City of Brotherly Love, but I wish the best of luck to troupe. I just know that they are going to go out there and fill that place with people, and then slay them all (in a good way... with laughter). Go get em, gang!

[Just a reminder, because the Dwellers are going to Philly this weekend, the troupe won't be around to host FN'Improv at the Beaver Valley Bowl. We know it's been a rather hectic schedule for a workshop that's supposed to be "every Friday," but we hope that our loving fans understand. The good news it that the workshop will resume its weekly schedule the following Friday!]