Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Dodge Intrepid: Episode 2 Now Playing!

The second episode of "Dodge Intrepid and the Pages of Time" has now been uploaded and is podcasting everywhere! Actually, the podcast will probably update in a few hours or so... but until then, you can download it here. If you listened to the first episode, you probably haven't been able to sleep very well at night. We left you with such a big cliff hanger... but rest soundly again! For some of the questions posed in the first episode are now answered, while a whole new barrel of them are rolled out.

In this episode we pick up where the last left off: Dodge and Pluck are cornered at gunpoint in a dark steel factory in West Aliquippa PA. All they can hear is a mysterious voice call out "No, Mr. Intrepid, It appears I have you!" We soon learn that this voice belongs to the evil Industrialist, Allister Farious, who seeks the Chronotope to accomplish his own selfish and sinister goals.

The first episode was merely a short introduction to our characters and the story... but it's in this episode where the story kicks into high gear. Enjoy!

Episode 2
Episode 1

Friday, August 26, 2005

JBS Pledge Drive

I've been back in Beaver County for almost a year now. In that time I've offered so much to the people of the county. Over the past year I have given my time to the entertainment and education of the great people of Beaver County. In the time I have been back in the area I have co-written and performed in numerous heralded Cellar Dweller shows, the upcoming radio show 'Dodge Intrepid and the Pages of Time' - Saturday August 27th 7pm at Cafe Kolache in Beaver - , performed regularly at Friday Night Improvs, and enriched the region through my general intelligence and wit at various coffee shops and and bars throughout the county.

Now, it is time for me to move into my own apartment. This, of course, requires an increased fiscal responsibility for myself. This, dear reader, is where you come in. If you enjoy the services and entertainment I offer around the county and would like to see it continue, you can help by becoming a member of the James Boarding Service - or JBS as I like to call. To become a JBS member you simply need to send a cash donation to myself. Of course, becoming a JBS member insures you the entertainment services you have come to expect from me, but there's more. So much more.

Membership at the $25 level includes a signed picture of myself. By hanging this photo in your home you not only show your support of JBS, but telling members of the opposite sex you actually know me can be very beneficial.

Membership at the $50 dollar includes a personal phone call from myself where I'll say wonderful things to build up your ego. You will also receive a tote bag for toting things.

With a $100 dollar donation you will be privileged enough to have me over for lunch and an hour of private time with me - James. You will have the supreme pleasure of feeding me and having an intellectually stimulating conversation on the topic of your choice...As long as that subject is the television show 'Saved By The Bell'.

Membership at the million dollar level guarantees you one night with me in Las Vegas.

Clearly, membership in the JBS offers you many perks. I know money is not easy to come by, but if you truly appreciate all I have to offer you and the region I trust you will do the right thing. Any donation will help insure my continued residency in the great County of Beaver. Just think of how rewarding it can be to help a struggling young man continue the high level of service he has offered for almost a year now. If you want me to remain in the county, I highly suggest you donate today. Of course, if no one gives any money, I guess this means...


Radio Show Gets Press!

As I had hoped, my radio show, "Dodge Intrepid and the Pages of Time," is getting a healthy amount of press and buzz. The biggest form of coverage so far was by Scott Tady, the staff entertainment writer for the Beaver County Times, who wrote a great preview of the show in today's Weekender.

To read a scan of the entire article click here and enjoy.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Dodge Intrepid: Episode 1 Now Playing!

As of this evening, the first thrilling episode of "Dodge Intrepid and the Pages of Time" is now podcasted on the iTunes Music Store. This means that anyone out there who subscribes to our adventure serial will get to hear the first episode before anyone else does! We will not be performing them live until this Saturday, August 27th, but for our special friends who have iTunes, or any other sort of podcasting program, you get first dibs.

In the first episode, Dodge and Pluck are called away to the Intrepid Compound in Aliquippa Pennsylvania. Dodge's grandfather, Edsel Intrepid, needs their help investigating a rare book that he found. But, Dodge isn't the only one there to see the mysterious text! To hear the entire episode without iTunes, click here!

Monday, August 22, 2005


I think it is difficult to say the word "fixture" and sound intelligent.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

And The Living Is No Longer Easy

With September just around the corner, this can only mean one thing: summer is nearing its end. Kids are preparing to go back to school, community pools are closing their gates, and the days are getting noticeably shorter. This leaves me sad and empty inside. This is not because I am sad to see the carefree summer days fade away. It's because I haven't even experienced the care free days of summer. This is destined to go down in my personal annals as the summer James forgot.

I haven't done one fun, summery thing all season. I haven't gone anywhere. I haven't gone out and played or frolicked - not like in the good old days of my youth. I haven't been swimming once. I haven't even taken my shirt off outside. Not once. It's not even due to shame of my body. I like my body. I am in possession of one rock hard, dead sexy - though now milky white - bod, and it's a crying shame I haven't shared this wonder with the world. This summer has been hot, dull drudgery.

What happened to the carefree halcyon days of my youth? I used to take full advantage of the summer. I was outside. I was playing. I was perfecting my cannonball. I was constantly peeling the dead skin from my rosy nose. I'd party till question mark and then sleep to another question mark - usually 10:30ish. I was king of the summer, a barefoot scamp who did as he pleased. Why can't I go back to those days.

I guess it's just part of growing up. This is the first summer where I worked at least five days a week every single week with no time off. It's the first summer I had to deal with paying rent plus utilities. Then, I got myself involved in all sorts of other projects. Of course I had a Cellar Dweller show - which was completely awesome. Then I started writing a radio show - 'Dodge Intrepid and the Pages of Time' Sat Aug 27th at Cafe Kolache in Beaver (it's going to be even awesomer than awesome) - with Little Mike. Then, there were a thousand tiny things I had to do. I even had to conduct an apartment hunt - not done yet which means I could be homeless in a little over a week, which is as nerve racking as it is oddly exhilarating.

It seems like just yesterday it was the beginning of June and the summer stretched out before me like a sea of limitless possibilities. Now, I look back and wonder what happened to all the time. I feel like everyone else was out raising hell and I was locked in a room toiling away like a clerk in a Dickens novel. Well, I'm not going to let this happen again and I'm not waiting a full year to prove it. As of right now, Fall is the new summer and I'm going to live the hell out of it. I'm going for walks in the crisp Autumn morning. I'm jumping in leaf piles. I'm going to toss the old pig skin around. And hopefully I won't be doing all of this while living in the streets.


Saturday, August 20, 2005

Kids are awesome!

We as a nation consider kids less than worhty for just about anything. We dumb down things including school. We think kids are dumb now and can't handle anything in the way of learning. The only people that listen to kids are ad men who see if their opinion forming through advertising and MTV brainwashing has taken effect. We all know that the majority of the economy is made by 12 year old girls.

But I just finished a camp at the Pittsburgh Center for the Arts. I had 24 kids, ages 9-15, and they performed a shortened form of Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail. They were amazing. People said I was daft for doing this as a play with children, but I did it anyway! IT was awesome. They got the jokes, made the sets, worked really hard, and made it awesome. Sure it was tough, but I set the bar very high and they cleared it.

There were poor kids and rich kids there alike. So I don't want to hear the economic divide crap. Kids can all do well, and it doesn't take money. It just takes someone to present them with a challenge. Kids want to be challenged. The reason people play video games now is because that's more exciting and has more interaction that real life. Kids aren't allowed to go outside because there are strangers who will take them away, and drugs that will turn them into perverted rock stars, and the sun that will give them cancer.

Adults pump kids full of our shit hang-ups and it's awful. One of the girls in my camp was afraid of squirrels because she was told they all have rabies and she didn't even know what rabies were, but she was terrified of squirrels because she thought they'd kill her. Wonder where she got that?

I have a son now, and I know there are things I'll tell him not to do, but he'll do them anyway. Sometimes you have to make a mistake yourself to learn, and sometimes you have to learn it several times. A small example: Mike, his brother Danny, and I went to a mexican restaurant yesterday. The waiter put down the plate with a huge over mitt and said it was hot, and I just dug right in and burned my mouth. I saw the oven mitts. I heard what he said, and yet I just completely ignored it. Like "Ha Ha! I am more powerful than hot food!" Stupid, yes, but don't we all do things like that?

Kids need to fall down and get hurt. Kids need to screw up. Kids need to get sick. If parents protect their children from everything, they are not servicing them well. I always say that parents and teachers that worry about kids feelings in school are not helping them. Who can tell me the last time their boss asked them how they felt about their project not getting done? Or if yelling at them hurt their ego? That's right. You're boss doesn't give a crap how you feel. Your inner child is no concern to someone with their finger on the pulse of the bottom line. So we set kids up to fail if they're all concerned about feelings.

We are softening up as a country and our kids are going to suffer cause other tougher countries, like China, Russia, Germany, Japan, will come and take us over economically. Hmmmm looking at that short list makes me think that WWII will be re-fought on the economic front, and where will our kids be? Our kids need a challenge and I think we're setting them up with a heck of one in the not so distant future. I hope we leave them the tools to deal with it.

A concerned Mike the Tall

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Happy Swayze Day

well, it's that time of year again. No, not another pregnancy scare, i'm talking about Patrick Swayze's Birthday,

And to celebrate our rough and tumble roadhouse rumbler's 51st birthday, i'd like to share a few little known facts about Mr. Swayze, that i assure you are all true.

Before he was sporting a sports bra as vida bohime in to wong fu Mr. dirty dancing was just like any one else whos mother was a a dance coriographer. Pat took ballet from the time he could walk and had become a very good dancer by the time he was in highschool, The same highschool as none other then the former wwf star THE UNDERTAKER atended ..scary eh?

after highschool and a breif stint with acting lessons the Swayzenator took on his first major movie role as ,say this without laughing, Ace Johnson , the super hip kid from skatetown usa.
and from there a star was born.

swayze-O's movie career was higher then woody harelson for most of the late 80's and early 90's in fact, he was so popular and charming that people magazine voted him sexiest man alive, beeting out harrison ford tom cruise and of course curt russle.

so whats the Swayze man been up to lately, well aside from his donnie darko days, and a guest spot on a m*a*s*h* tribute, (he played sturgis on the show) and some dirty dancing havana nights work, Swayze has been hanging out at his 5 acre ranch apptly named Rancho Bizzaro.

and now we know a little more about our friend Patrick Swayze, who shares his b-day with the likes of Ed Norton, and my personal fave, Roman polanski.

To Pat Swayze, thanks for everything, may you remain all out of bubble gum so you can continue to kick ass.

joe eoj

"Dodge Intrepid and the Pages of Time" Radio Trailer!

Action! Adventure! Comedy! All rolled into one exciting radio program, created as an homage to the 1940 radio serials. Follow the escapades of Dodge Intrepid, a world famous librarian, and his sidekick/intern Pluck Gumption as they travel through time chasing their arch nemesis Allister Farious and his goon No Goodnick. Dodge and his trusty intern must rely on their wits and library skills to apprehend Farious, who, with the help of an ancient time-traveling book, is trying to reclaim the thrown to the lost Prussian empire.

Download and listen to the radio trailer!

I have spent a good part of my summer writing this radio show with fellow Cellar Dweller James Catullo. It began as a simple project: something to perform at Cafe Kolache, the coffee shop we frequent, but has since turned into something bigger. What was once just a plan for one episode has spawned into four. What was once a cast of two has become a cast of three (Christoph has joined to lend us his voice talent). What was once just a live performance has turned into a podcast with plans for CDs and possibly even DVDs. It looks like the library is going to back in business.

And so, as a small tease, you can listen to a radio trailer for the debut performance of the Dodge Intrepid radio show! Just click here and it should download or begin playing. It's a meager 500k MP3 that packs enough excitement and comedy to ripen a banana.

"Dodge Intrepid and the Pages of Time" Episodes 1-4 • Saturday, August 27th • Cafe Kolache, 3rd St. Beaver, PA • 7:00PM • All ages and free admission.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Why does "Boy Meets World" have to toy with my emotions?

As a result of my busy schedule, I get very little "down" time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. Even after attending rehearsals and performances in two different comedy troupes, and holding down a day job, I manage to find some little time to relax and unwind. For the past few months, that time usually seems to fall around the hours of 3pm to 5pm Monday thru Friday.

In this two hour span I squeeze in as much relaxation as I can: I'll check my wrestling websites, I'll make myself a nice meal, and I'll sit down to watch a little television. Of course the viewing options at three o'clock in the afternoon are pretty limited, even with 100 cable channels. But I've come to the decision that the best bang for my buck can be found on ABC Family, with two back-to-back episodes of "Boy Meets World" at 3pm, followed by two back-to-back episodes of "Full House" at 4pm.

Yeah, that's right. I admitted it. And you've watched them hundreds of times too, so get over it.

So a few months ago, when I started watching "Boy Meets World" regularly, they were showing the later episodes of the series when Corey and Topenga are in college and are living together and are married. You know those ones... Corey's older brother Eric is incredibly stupid all of a sudden... their younger sister is played by a completely different actress... and they even added a Lawrence brother to the cast. In other words, the shark is swimming several feet behind them all.

Well, one Friday, I watched an excellent episode where Corey overhears Topenga talking about her weight and mistakenly believes that she is pregnant. Quite a little adventure that 30 minutes was for Mr. Matthews. But rest assured, at the end, the confusion was settled, and everything was right in the world of these young adults.

Then Monday came.

I tuned in at 3 o'clock sharp to see what situation comedy Corey and the gang could get themselves into this time; maybe an episode about the responsibilities of drinking, or maybe hard-hitting-but-squeaky-clean issues of racism. But this time I was thrown a curveball. Just a few days ago, Corey Matthews was a married man talking about pregnancy and sex, but today... he was 11 years old.

Right in front of my eyes stood a boy whose future I had gazed upon just days prior. I sat there in disbelief as a young Corey dealt with problems about homework and bullies. In school he sat behind a nerdy girl named Topenga, who he picked on because she was smart... doesn't he realize that she will blossom into the voluptuous vixen that will be his wife?!? And why is he so concerned about trying to defeat his teacher, Mr. Feeney?!? Doesn't he realize that he will eventually become his high school principal, then, later, his college professor, too?!? It just doesn't make sense anymore!!!!!!!

So now my "down time" isn't as fulfilling anymore. I barely get enough respite out of these kid shows to get energized for the rest of the day. (And is it a coincidence that I just came down with a cold this past week, too?) So I guess I'll just have to try and suspend my disbelief and hope that Corey doesn't leave Topenga for that blonde haired girl... and maybe he'll get that Mr. Feeney one day too.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

American Splenda Preview

So this Friday is our only Beaver County performance of our hilarious new sketch comedy show "American Splenda." The show is sort of following a pattern accidentally created last year through summer. We were just coming off of a big run of "Kiwani Step Outside" when we did "Godzillas and Generals." G&G was done only twice, both times at CCBC. This year we did a huge run of "Desperate Housewares" followed by the small Splenda run. The difference between G&G and Splenda is that the first performance of our current show was in Franklin. And so our second, and last, performance of this show will be Friday, August 12th at CCBC (Community College of Beaver County)'s Allied Health Auditorium at 8:00PM.

I really think the show is hilarious. All of our shows have something for everyone, we are usually certain of that. We have the slapstick and the romantic comedy, we have the satire and witty humor, and we have that "Holy crap, if you don't laugh at this you hate life" kind of sketches. This is one of those shows. But I must say that it differs a tad from "Desperate Housewares." I think, at least, that its decidedly more action packed, more physical. From a performer's perspective, I do a heck of a lot more running around in this show than I did in Housewares. Then again, that's mainly because I was in college and had mono during the making of that show, so I sat out alot of things.

But I digress. This is a hysterical, and 100% original show that should not be missed. I know that not every one of our beloved Beaver County followers will be able to make it to this show, but I hope you try. For our college-bound friends, it will be nice to check out a show so you have something to tell all of the folks at your school about when you return (or enroll) in the next few weeks.

So just to wet your appetites for the show a little bit, I'm going to do what I've done in the past... here is the set list for the show, as seen in the programs. You can sit back and try and figure out what you're going to see this Friday.

“American Splenda”
written and directed by the Cellar Dwellers

Exit Poll
Raiders of the Lost Knuck
Shor- Ski-
Nothing To Do List
Early Retirement
Really Good Friday
Splenda and Spice
The Laff Crusade
Saw It
It’s Not Easy Being Green
Worst Thing Ever
And the Winner Is
You Only Live Once... no really.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

The Countdown Winds Down

It looks like our long wait is finally coming to an end. It's been years, but on Friday all our hopes and prayers are finally being answered. "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" is being released - like all you Rob Schneider nuts need to be reminded.

Now, I know it's seemed like this day would never come. We've all been waiting patiently, following the news of the arduous European filming, and praying the high quality of writing, directing, and acting would carry over from the first film. I for one never lost faith in the Rob-meister. Now, there's nothing left for us to do but count the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until Deuce Bigalow makes his triumph return to the silver screen. I hope they have a midnight showing on Thursday night. I can't imagine they won't. They do for all the big films, and its not like there's going to be a bigger opening all summer.

If you're anything like me, these next few days will be the longest of your lives, as you wait endlessly for every cruel second to tick off the clock. Well, I'm here to remedy this. I've compiled a short list of things to do to pass the time until the big day.

1. Rewatch the original "Deuce Bigalow"
I know, I know. It seems so obvious and we've all seen the movie like a billion times. Still, you need to be sure you're up to speed on what's going on in the sequel. You don't want to be lost in the theater as the sequel follows the complex tale of that lovable lothario Deuce Bigalow. Plus, its such a great film, you really can't see it too many times. It's so intricate, you're bound to pick up on one of the many subtle touches you missed on your first billion viewings.

2. Start letter writing campaign to get Eddie Griffin a best supporting actor Oscar.
It is never too early to get the ball rolling on this one. After all, we really screwed the pooch on this one last time. Eddie didn't even receive a nomination, and that's just a cruel, sick joke. We need to make sure the Academy pays attention to the wonderful performance Mr. Griffin is assured to give. If we're not careful they'll end up giving the award to some loser again. Like last year, they gave it to some guy named Morgan Freeman. What's the deal with that? What's he ever done?

3. Send letters of encouragement to Rob Schneider
I just hope my restraining order does not pertain to letters.

4. Write your own story for the sequel
Then you can see how close the actual film. Plus, maybe you'll come up with something quite good. Even if it's nothing like the real film, maybe you can send it to Mr. Schneider and he can incorporate your ideas into the next Deuce Bigalow movie. After all, after the unavoidable runaway success of "European Gigolo", there just has to be another sequel. Maybe we could see what kind of wacky exploits Deuce can get himself into in space.

5. Volunteer your time to a soup kitchen
I'm just kidding. Who wants to help poor people when there's a Rob Schneider film opening just days away? Not me, that's for sure.

6. Have a car wash
Just charge $8 a wash, and then every car you wash equals one viewing of Deuce Bigalow 2. The other day I held my car wash, and washed 34 cars. This means I can see the movie 34 times. Of course, I'm going to have to hold another one to be able to see the film as many times as I want and it deserves.

Well, that's all I have for now. As you can see I have a lot of activities leading up to the big day. Hopefully, Friday will be here before I know it. I've got to get going. I need to start writing some letters. See everyone at the theater on Friday, and remember anyone who doesn't want to see "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" is a loser who knows absolutely nothing about film.


Stuck in the Middle

January, 14 1965 - my birthday. Two weeks into Generation X, two weeks out of the Baby Boomer generation. At least according to some sources. (not my birth which is historically documented, but the defining dates of the two generations)
Two weeks might sound like a long time, and if you’re waiting for test results or have lines to learn for a show, it is.
But when talking about years of growing culture, two weeks is a pittance.
What this means is I am stuck between two ‘cultures.’ Hippies and slackers. You would think I feel at home with post grunge America, but I don't.
I'm lost.
I’m dust from the tail of the comet that was the Baby Boomer generation. And the compacted soil on top of which the Generation X foundation was poured.
Not a Baby Boomer, and not a Generation X’er.
I read Douglas Coupland’s book, and I really enjoyed it. But I didn’t identify with the generation there. I identify more with the kids from Stand By Me. But I never had those experiences. I imagine them as my older brothers. Those kids are baby boomers, and I don’t remember those times.
I would have been a baby during the Wonder Years, just a few years off from the experiences of Kevin Arnold, the innocence being shattered by Vietnam, Winnie Cooper, and summers at the lake.
During one hilarious episode, Kevin and Paul went to the newly built Mall. The newness of it, the transition of the world during this coming of age story was a great metaphor. I was 5 when mall was built. I don’t remember it.
I am stuck between a generation whose values were defined by WWII and a generation whose values were born during the Vietnam War. I am from a generation whose parents were in school during World War II, but never fought - they remember, but they weren’t there. Stuck between a generation of people whose parents fought in WWII and a generation whose parents came of age during Vietnam.
I am stuck in a generation who made disco popular, then vilified it, made new wave popular then forgot it, and finally grew mullets and listened to Bubble Gum Heavy Metal, like Poison and Ratt.
Talk about identity crisis.
I am caught between a generation privileged to go to college just for an education, and a generation that saw college as a right, a need, and a prep school for their career. I came out of it the first time with an English degree and expectations it would make a difference. It did. I was saddled with the student loans of a new generation and the education of an old.
I don’t feel like an X’er and I don’t feel like a Boomer.
I’m part of the Disenfranchised Generation. The Wonder Who We Are Years. That Late 70s to Early 80s Show Generation. The Square Pegs Generation. (and those of you who remember that show, know what I am talking about.)
I found out today there’s a name for us. I am a member of the Baby Buster generation.
A small time at the end of the Boomer generation when the birth rate declined sharply.
Ya, Baby Buster. That explains it.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Or Maybe a Rich Family Could Just Adopt Me

Well it looks like yet another chapter in the long and sordid James Catullo saga is coming to an end. The lease on the apartment I share with ever elusive Christoph and the ever drunken Joe runs out at the end of the month, which means it is time for me to bid adieu to our drafty apartment and move out on my own. That's right, I'm in the market for a new even more swinging bachelor pad and this time, since Joe and Christoph are moving back in with their parents, I'm going it alone. (This is, of course, unless anyone's in market for a roommate. I'm clean, quiet, a passable cook, and undeniably sexy. Seriously, I work out. So, any takers? Perhaps some young ladies want to take James home with them? Eh? Eh? Call me.)

Since I'm moving out all by my lonesome and lonesome can also describe how a dollar bill in my wallet might feel, I'm looking for an apartment which lets just say fits my economic profile. I need someplace cheap - very, very cheap. I'm primarily in the market for what is often called an efficiency room, but can be more romantically dubbed a studio apartment. This makes it sound like I'd be involved in such wonderful artistic endeavors such as painting, recording rock albums, or filming TV shows in my apartment. In reality, the apartment I eventually end up with will most likely fit the more dubious description of 'the tiny room where I eat my Ramen Noodles'. Now, that's Romance.

The weirdest part right now is looking at the apartments. Seriously, these places are so small it's hardly worth the time it takes to get there. Just today I looked at a place just four blocks from current apartment. It took me longer to walk there than to look at the place. The entire tour went something like this:

Possible Landlord: Well, That's one wall. And that's the other wall.
Me: Those are some fine walls.
PLL: Yep, mighty fine walls.
Me: You think if I lie down I can touch both those walls at once.
PLL: I reckon.

It was one of those converted attic apartments, where the walls slant up toward the center, so you can only stand up straight in the middle of the room. The bathroom was cramped. I don't think it would be possible for me to stand up when urinating, which is something I'm really big on. The refrigerator was tiny, not a huge problem since it would make it look like I have more food (my ketchup would fill it up pretty good). It had an oven so small I probably couldn't fit my head in it to put myself out of my misery. On the plus side the apartment featured not one but two creepy crawl spaces. You can't underestimate the power of the creepy crawl space. Remember if any place in a home is haunted, its the creepy places. I have two. So, I could be looking at two evil spirits intent on sucking me into their demonic dimension in my TV, instead of just one. So, I'd have that going for me.

Of course, I might not end up in that apartment. There are any number of crappy apartments I could live in. The cheaper the better. What, you're apartment only has three walls and it's not triangle shaped? Let me check that out. A badger may or may not have died in in one of the walls? You can't locate the smell? It's worth a look. Your apartments were built on an Indian burial ground, you say? Well bring it on, says I. I'd have to share a bathroom with Louie Anderson? Well...I do have my limits.


Sunday, August 07, 2005

Place your add here!!!

hey, joe here,

this may sound odd coming from the human promotional machine, but i recently noticed that someone has actually surpassed my own disregard for the proper time and place to plug something, and i'm not just talking about prom. i have recently noticed that some annonamys person has posted a comment on m.t.t's blog , and that comment is. "read your blog, think you'd be really interested in this website " and after checking out that website and seeing it to be merely some new hires lame ass attempt to drum up business for some struggling internet based rip off service who probably sells your info to a mailing list for some kind of.... well you get the idea.

in any event , under normal circumstances i would not be so pissed off, i would actually have thought, under certain circumstances that whoever did that should be commended for picking out a target customer prospect and droping that in his lap, however the fact that this king of addvertising decided not to leave his name, (or her name, ) just pisses me off,it seems like someone needs to take there balls out of there purse and step up to dignity, ass. dont stroll onto someones blog and offer financial services to them willy nilly without some sort of clue as to who you are and what your affiliation with said services are. do you even know who we are , have you ever seen a show, next time you feel like shamelessly promoting something , leave your name wuss.

that said. i'd just like to mention how nice it is to get feed back from our fans.

joe eoj

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Obsessive Compulsive Order

Why do the call it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when it's clearly about cleanliness and order? OCO, that's what it should be. I saw a thing on OCD and they said that most people have OCD to some degree at some point in their lives, but most people grow out of it. I know I had some and when I talk about some people look at me like "Whatchu talkin bout, Willis?"

Okay, so when I was younger I couldn't leave the house if my shoelaces weren't exactly even. If they weren't, I'd take the laces out and relace them. Is that weird?

I also had a crazy obsession with making sure the sides of the covers on my bed were even. Even if I woke up in the middle of the night, the sheets couldn't be all on one side. I'd have to fix it to fall back to sleep. Hmm, and then I wonder why I didn't get laid in college. I think I found one little reason. In fact, my obsession in college was well known. My freshman year, some guys covered the inside of my bed with styrofoam peanuts. I came back to my room from class and noticed the sheets askew slightly. I adjusted it accordingly and heard an odd sound, an unfamiliar sound, a wrong sound. I threw back the cover to discover hundreds of styrofoam peanuts nestled in my bed. It took forever to clean up.

I'm also a bit of a clean freak. I don't know another straight guy that uses a vacuum as much as I do. My friend Corey retells a story about a time when he spilled a FULL large glass of whiskey and sour mix all over my room in college, and how I freaked out to clean it. Sour mix gets sticky! And then what will the ladies think of me if the carpet is sticky. No one would believe that story that a drink was spilled there. So I freaked and started cleaning and Doug and Corey sat and laughed. Jerks.

The one that is the worst by far that I have even to this day is string pulling. I think most people who know me know that I can't leave a string that's loose unpulled. That's why I have shirts with drooping pockets or socks that have tiny holes that in one evening will be absolutely ruined. Frayed jeans are the end of me. And my backpack has a bottom that probably won't last the next year. But it doesn't stop there. Other peoples' shirts or jackets, carpets, etc. I can't leave them alone. And I'll obsess about it and keep looking at it until it's not there anymore. I'll cut it, pull it, rip it off. But it has to go. It has to.

It's an obsession, a compulsion for order. No loose ends.

Simian Second Chances

You know how on occasion people look back wistfully on past events - especially melancholy memories - and say if they had it all to do over again, they wouldn't change a thing? Those people are idiots. Come on, let's be honest here. Sure, doing the whole I wouldn't change a thing bit sounds cool with its hint of wisdom and tragic heroics, but if you say it, you're either delusional or trying to score with a girl. Either way it's still a lie - although I can respect it under the latter circumstances.

We all have things we would change if we had the chance. Heck, I can think of a ton off the top of my head, and these don't even involve bad memories. For instance, if I had to go through High School and college again, I would have a monkey sidekick - a really cool monkey sidekick like Clint Eastwood would have or like that chimp in M.V.P. (that's Most Valuable Primate for those not in the know. He plays hockey and skateboards in bad Disney made for cable movies). Now I'd like everyone to take a moment and contemplate just how incredibly awesome it would be to have a monkey sidekick in school. I would be the coolest kid in school, prom king, valedictorian, student counsel president, and a multiple sport varsity letterman. And that's just high school. The collegiate possibilities of a monkey sidekick are downright mind boggling.

(I know a lot of you are shooting holes through my monkey sidekick fantasy. Most of these objections revolve around the fact that you can't bring a monkey into a school. This is - of course - true. You can't bring a monkey into a school, but you sure as heckfire can bring a foreign exchange student into a school. That's right. All I'd have to do is pass off the creature as a foreign exchange student. What with the strange smell, lack of English language skills, odd body hair, and bizarre behavior, this would prove to be no problem what so ever.)

Monkey sidekick. Right there is just one change I would make with my life if given the chance, and that's just a minor one. I haven't even mentioned the millions of dollars I would have made or the hundreds of foods I would of eaten or the untold number of girls I would have been out right rejected by instead of not even working up the courage to talk to. I'd go into more detail on all of this. I'd love to, but - in the interest of full disclosure - this post is really nothing more than a sad excuse to use the term 'monkey sidekick' a lot.


Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I'm not old, but I feel like it

I hurt my back two days ago. Today I am walking stiffly on medication. I had to go to the hospital yesterday. After all those times playing old people, this was the first time I actually felt like one. And not being able to walk was only one of the things. I wanted to do stuff on my own without help. I was stubborn. I crawled upstaris to get my cell phone and then had to crawl downstairs eventually to ge my phone list. Both in no small amounts of pain. I have to be careful when I take my medicaiton because I can't drive while on it. It still hurts but not near as bad. I don't know if it's getting better or the meds have lessened the pain, either way I'm ok to work lightly tonight which I will be doing.

That and watching Breakfast at Tiffany's prompted me to think of how my life would have been different had I made some other decisions. In Breakfast at Tiffany's, there's a man, a writer, that is the boy toy of some rich older woman.

My first thought was "I could do that job." But then I thought about my ex girlfriend Josy. She was willing to teach school in New York, which she wasn't crazy about and let me try to be an actor and we'd live on her money. That would have been similar. Would that have worked out? Probably not. She, as a friend recently pointed out, just wanted to get married cause her biological clock was ticking away. She didn't want me, she just wanted a virile husband, which I would have most definitely been.

But then I thought about my other choices, what would have happened had I not gone to Austria? I probably would have moved somewhere with someone from college and would not be in Pittsburgh, I might have continued to get a masters somewhere. I really had no plan and fell into that job. (I wish something like that would happen again.) But going to Austria changed my life. I went back overseas with people I knew from there to Greece for vacation once. I know people from all over the world, my horizons are MUCH broader, and I love living in this country and appreciate it more than I did before.

What if I had gone to a different college? I'd have different friends and know different things. I might have a good job right now that I hated or one I loved or could have found a wife and be married in the suburbs somewhere.

What if I never broke up with my first girlfriend? One of us would be dead, and she wouldn't now be happily married with a baby on the way and rich cause she's an engineer married to ...an engineer.

What if I persued what I originally wanted to do? Advertising. I'd probably be working for some huge company, be wildly successful financially, and be empty and alone inside.

What if I had decided to become a....(shudder) Democrat? Wait. That wouldn't have happened. I've known I'm a right winger since 5th grade.

I guess I'm just lucky that I have some really good friends and had some really good friends and acquaintences pass through my life so far. I have a great kid. I'm trying to get things together to have a good life for him and myself. My faith in God is stronger than ever, which is odd considering I'd never had things as bad as they are right now. I just trust that God is working out the crap that I started. The roughest part about my life being a mess right now is that I know it's all my fault. I guess I just haven't gotten around to forgiving myself.

Why do I have to be so melodramatic about everything? I'm such a piscean freak. Oy Gevalt!
Mike the Tall