Friday, April 13, 2007

FAQs for the road.

For the folks who've been wondering...

As of Monday, I am officially registered for my first Upright Citizen's Brigade class, Improv 101. In New York City.

As His Holiness Pope John Paul II would say: "Crap."

So yes, my little turtle doves, I guess all this big talk from your friend Nang is finally backed up by a non-refundable charge on her Navy Federal Credit Union card.

Additional information, including frequently asked questions (FAQs), appears below.

"When are you leaving?"
Good question, Billy. While I don't have an exact date yet, it looks like the first week of May,

"Where will you stay?"
I'm staying with my little brother Gavin, who is a teacher in Brooklyn. I will be sleeping on his couch in his apartment in Bay Ridge.

"What will you be doing?"
In addition to working, I will be taking classes at the UCB Theater in Manhattan and trying to immerse myself in learning and challenging myself to get better, to grow, to met new people and learn more about improv and sketch writing.

"Are you trying to be famous?"
God, no. I want to figure out what jobs there are out there for the skills I have and the skills I am learning.

"Do you have a job lined up?"
No, I am looking. If you would like to pay me for performing a service, or for just being spectacular, please contact me. It is interesting to note that I have no money saved up for this and I am making a poor financial decision.

"Won't your back hurt you sleeping on Gav's couch? You should be careful. What about your sister's air mattress?"
Mom, calm down.

"Will you consider waitressing there like you do in Pittsburgh?"
On the condition that murder is legal in New York. I have people checking on that.

"Aren't you nervous going to the big city?"
I lived in Philadelphia for 22 years before I lived in Pittsburgh. I'll be ok.

"Why are you starting at Improv 101? You rock this whole damn city's socks."
Oh, thank you, Self. Its the rules. I am looking forward to it. Although I have a feeling its going to be me and a whole bunch of hot kids right out of college.

"Aren't you too old for this?"
Maybe. Ok, yes.

"Will you forget about Pennsylvania?"
I'll try, but the dreams...oh, the nightmares...

"You will be nervous a lot. Don't you sweat a lot when you are nervous?"
I recently discovered Secret Clinical Strength and things seems to be ok. For now.

"What about sketch writing?"
I have a good portfolio from my work with the Cellar Dwellers and the Mighty What. I am looking forward to adding to it.

"Why do you have a Navy Federal Credit Union credit card?"
Both my parents work for the Navy as civilians, and when I applied for student loans I had to get one.

"How you gonna let dem awesome GRE scores expire like dat?"
Its pathetic, I know.

"Wait- aren't girls not funny?"
Oh...right...who wants to party on my creative plateau? The Summer of Atrophy.

So thats it for now, feel free to ask questions. I will do my best to answer.



Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Rules To Live By Based Mainly On Action Movies

If you are on a boat and Steven Seagal is the cook, get off the boat.

If you’re going to a hockey game and see Jean-Claude Van Damme with his kids, leave the arena.

If you see Sandra Bullock on your bus, get off.

If Bruce Willis shows up at your office Christmas party, excuse yourself early.

If you are on a train and Steven Seagal is the cook, get off the train.

If you are driving through a tunnel and see Sylvester Stallone in the car behind you, get out of that tunnel.

If you are at a bar and Patrick Swayze is the bouncer, you are safe.

If you see both Sandra Bullock AND Keanu Reeves on your bus, it’s already to late.

If you are reporter boarding air force one and Harrison Ford is the president, stay home and write about congress.

If you see Wesley Snipes boarding your flight, stay home.

If you see Samuel L. Jackson Boarding your flight, stay home.

If you see Sandra Bullock on your boat, get off that boat.

Never marry Steven Seagal. (Although you can rest assured your death will be avenged, most likely after a lengthy coma.)

Don’t make Bill Bixby mad.

If you run into Alan Rickman or Jeremy Irons using a questionable German accent, leave town.

If you see both Sandra Bullock and Jason Patrick on your boat, it’s probably already too late.

If Jean-Claude Van Damme is claiming to be French Canadien, Creole, French, or pretty much anything other than Belgian, leave town.

If you see Gene Hackman on your boat, get off the boat.

If Sylvester Stallone is your mountain climbing guide, cancel your trip.

If you see Kurt Russell driving a truck into Chinatown, get out of Chinatown.
If you see Sandra Bullock, Jason Patrick, Gene Hackman, and Steven Seagal on your boat, you are probably already dead.


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Tooth Man Cometh

The worst part about elective surgery is that you can’t vote for anyone else. Through some sort of medicinal suffrage, I have elected to have my four wisdom teeth taken from me tomorrow morning. I am not looking forward to this. In fact, I now know how Buchanan supporters felt in Florida in 2000. I’m getting ripped off.

Sure I could back out, I could “elect” not to have the surgery, but it’s only going to lead to more problems when I’m older. My wisdom teeth are impacted, which means they are never going to come out. I have decided to not let these little geniuses be shut-ins… so instead, they will be pulverized by an oral surgeon, and then removed from my mouth on Holy Thursday. God help them if they grow back in three days later.

Dentists and orthodontists tell you “everyone gets their wisdom teeth out,” and yet I know hardly anyone who actually as had the procedure. Everyone is more than happy to open up their mouths and prove to me that they do, indeed, still have their smart teeth. I was set to be in the same club as they are, until I started getting headaches from them.

Then there is the issue of graduation. Medical doctors, eye doctors and dentists must be experiencing a flurry of activity right about now, as soon-to-be graduates rush to take advantage of their parents’ health insurance just one more time before having to face the real world. That was the biggest issue in the campaign to elect the surgery. Get ‘em out now or be stuck with them. I know that I’ll eventually get a job that has dental benefits, but who is to say when that will actually be? It’s best to do this now, and get it over with.

Again, I don’t know what I was thinking scheduling this during Holy Week. Sure it’s technically an apt time to do this, since I have a time off from school to just lay around the house. But this also means that the work I planned on doing over break has to wait, at least one or two days before I can recover. Recovery seems to be the biggest thorn in my side (or mouth, really). Everyone has been so vague as to how long it will take until I can A) move around B) form sentences C) eat and D) do work. Really, I just need to get to D by Friday or Saturday and I’ll be happy. With final portfolios, papers and my senior art exhibit just around the corner, I can’t afford to lie on the couch and watch movies all day (although I totally plan on doing that).

This morning I had a dream about my surgery. It was most likely inspired by all of the Mission: Impossible episodes that my roommate and I have been watching this semester, combined with a Black Market doctor in the book “World War Z.” In the dream, my dentist tells me that he can’t perform the operation, and instead I have to fly down to Peru to get it done by “a guy he knows.” This doctor proceeds to tell me that he does all sorts of surgeries with stolen body parts, stem cells, and cosmetics. And then he gets to work with tearing out my wisdom teeth. It was an awful dream that really made me want to take back my vote. Now that this surgery as been elected, can’t I impeach it?

But no… there is no turning back. I won’t be eating any food after midnight tonight, and tomorrow morning I’ll be “put under.” An hour later, I’ll be at home watching “Saving Private Ryan” or something.

What a way to spend an Easter Break.