The Tooth Man Cometh

The worst part about elective surgery is that you can’t vote for anyone else. Through some sort of medicinal suffrage, I have elected to have my four wisdom teeth taken from me tomorrow morning. I am not looking forward to this. In fact, I now know how Buchanan supporters felt in Florida in 2000. I’m getting ripped off.

Sure I could back out, I could “elect” not to have the surgery, but it’s only going to lead to more problems when I’m older. My wisdom teeth are impacted, which means they are never going to come out. I have decided to not let these little geniuses be shut-ins… so instead, they will be pulverized by an oral surgeon, and then removed from my mouth on Holy Thursday. God help them if they grow back in three days later.

Dentists and orthodontists tell you “everyone gets their wisdom teeth out,” and yet I know hardly anyone who actually as had the procedure. Everyone is more than happy to open up their mouths and prove to me that they do, indeed, still have their smart teeth. I was set to be in the same club as they are, until I started getting headaches from them.

Then there is the issue of graduation. Medical doctors, eye doctors and dentists must be experiencing a flurry of activity right about now, as soon-to-be graduates rush to take advantage of their parents’ health insurance just one more time before having to face the real world. That was the biggest issue in the campaign to elect the surgery. Get ‘em out now or be stuck with them. I know that I’ll eventually get a job that has dental benefits, but who is to say when that will actually be? It’s best to do this now, and get it over with.

Again, I don’t know what I was thinking scheduling this during Holy Week. Sure it’s technically an apt time to do this, since I have a time off from school to just lay around the house. But this also means that the work I planned on doing over break has to wait, at least one or two days before I can recover. Recovery seems to be the biggest thorn in my side (or mouth, really). Everyone has been so vague as to how long it will take until I can A) move around B) form sentences C) eat and D) do work. Really, I just need to get to D by Friday or Saturday and I’ll be happy. With final portfolios, papers and my senior art exhibit just around the corner, I can’t afford to lie on the couch and watch movies all day (although I totally plan on doing that).

This morning I had a dream about my surgery. It was most likely inspired by all of the Mission: Impossible episodes that my roommate and I have been watching this semester, combined with a Black Market doctor in the book “World War Z.” In the dream, my dentist tells me that he can’t perform the operation, and instead I have to fly down to Peru to get it done by “a guy he knows.” This doctor proceeds to tell me that he does all sorts of surgeries with stolen body parts, stem cells, and cosmetics. And then he gets to work with tearing out my wisdom teeth. It was an awful dream that really made me want to take back my vote. Now that this surgery as been elected, can’t I impeach it?

But no… there is no turning back. I won’t be eating any food after midnight tonight, and tomorrow morning I’ll be “put under.” An hour later, I’ll be at home watching “Saving Private Ryan” or something.

What a way to spend an Easter Break.