A Letter from Philistines about Philistinism

Dear Mr. Arnold, Mr. Goethe, and the like,

I don't know which of you is responsible for this, but I can assure you all that you're certainly not helping the situation! I can see each of you now, sitting there reading this letter with the utmost look of confusion and disgust on your face. How dare you be accused of any wrong doing! Well, you know certainly why we are sending you this letter.

You men, we have deemed, are responsible for perpetuating the use of the derogatory term "Philistine." While all three of you have claimed the term was around long before your writings, your use of it is uncalled for--especially when none of you have ever even met a Philistine. I'm talking a real Philistine, not a Philistine as defined by you. We as a people have been greatly hurt by your remarks, and will forever be known as an uncultured group of lunk-heads. Thanks.

Mr. Arnold! Perhaps you are the main man to blame for such an offensive term. Why, a friend of a friend read your little book Culture and Anarchy in which you truly define our people as wealth-obsessed haters of culture and artwork. In fact, you mention Philistines right along with Barbarians! Last we checked, barbarians were a general group of people stemmed from all over the sort. That's like saying "Here come the New Yorkers and the yard sale enthusiasts." We Philistines are an ancient people, sir. Show some respect! And we care about lots of other things aside from money and welfare... lots.

And then there's Mr. Goethe. I seem to recall hearing you say once that "The Philistine not only ignores all conditions of life which are not his own but also demands that the rest of mankind should fashion its mode of existence after his own." Such a rude and ignorant statement! If you had ever taken the time to get to know us, you would realize how nice, kind, and friendly we are. If everyone took the time to know us, maybe, then, everyone would be proud to be Philistine!

To say that we simply do not like art, music, theater, and anything else high brow is a cheap shot! Firstly, we didn't have cable for quite a while. So we were a late-comer to things like The History Channel and PBS. How could we like this stuff if we didn't have access to it. Not only do we have Comcast but we also got a TiVo, so soon your definition of us will have to be changed! Because it has been our culture's goal, ever since people starting using the phrase "Philistine," to defy that stereotype. We will soon be known as the most culturally-rich, fun-loving, book-reading, overall-awesome people on the planet.

The first thing we are going to do, as a collective culture, is to go buy every book on the New York Times Bestseller list. If it's a best seller, it has to be good, and we will be there with everyone else talking about how good these books are. We are also expecting our first shipment of iPods from the Apple Store. I bet you never expected Philistines to own iPods! Not only are we culture-loving people, but we are also full of surprises.

Once we have read everything popular, we are going to start carpooling to museums. And since not everyone can make it to the library, because some of us are very old, we'll bring cameras with us so that we can take pictures of stuff.

Finally, we've got subscriptions to the New Yorker and Atlantic Monthly coming. So there.

Please cease and desist from using the derogatory phrase "Philistine." Not only does it hurt our feelings, but it demeans our people... and it makes you look bad, because, as you will soon find out, we love the arts. We love it. We can't get enough art.

Sincerely,
- The Philistines.