If I Was a Robot, I Would Be a Badass Robot

I know. I know. No one wants to be a lame robot. Nobody says, “Well, I guess if I were a robot, I’d want be the mechanized arm on the assembly line at the GM plant which screws on the steering wheel.” The general thinking along these lines is if you’re going to be a robot, you might as well be a really awesome robot. If you were to survey a hundred people ‘Family Feud’ style, I’d be willing to wager the top answer on the board would be some sort of shape shifting battle robot with laser eyes with crime fighting cyborg coming in a solid second position. There are several problems with the majority thinking on this one. The main problem being that while most people claim to want to be really cool robots, none of them have really put any thought into exactly what kind of robot they want to be. All anyone knows is they want to be really cool robots, but you really have to press them to get any particulars. You’d be surprised to find out how many people have never really put any thought into what kind of robot they would be. Also, cyborgs are not technically robots.

I, on the other hand, have put a lot of time and mental effort into imagining myself as a robot. This is a question which I have really engaged. This is an internal debate which I have willingly allowed to rage. There have been years of continual mental exertion and emotional exhaustion. Various ideas, concepts, schemes, features, and paint jobs have been laboriously pored over and eventually dismissed as not up to my robot standards. I have continued to refine and perfect myself as a robot. Now, after all this time, I finally know exactly what kind of robot I would be: A badass robot.

I can, of course, be more precise. If I were a robot, I would be retro. I would appear as an old school clunky 1950’s, Robbie the Robot-type of robot. I would also throw in some older deco elements reminiscent of Fritz Lang’s classic film ‘Metropolis’. I really have a soft spot in my heart for art deco. I think if I were a robot, my robot-head would look just a little like the top of the Chrysler building. The rest of my body, though large and cumbersome by contemporary robot thought, would none the less feature pleasing curves with random dramatic peaks. My appearance would, though clunkily elegant, give most the sense that I would be horribly out dated, slow, and relatively harmless. Of course, this would all be part of my ruse.

If I were a robot, I would also have a battle mode. In battle mode, my formerly heavy body would shift. The bulk would slide inward and push my robot self taller. I would maintain my deco elegance, but would add to it an almost animalistic sleekness and speed. If I were a robot in battle mode, I would be almost beautiful, but in a totally scary, ass kicking sort of way – like a puma. Now, here’s the key to my robot, the one thing which really separates it from other people’s imagined robots: If I were a robot, I would not have lasers. That’s right, no lasers. They’ve been a robotic crutch for far too long. Myself as a robot will not use them (Unless of course, I were fighting a large group of robots and had already destroyed a robot with lasers. Then, I would use his lasers against his own allies. That’s just good sense.) If I were a robot I would employ an array of weaponry designed for particular adversaries. I would have massive sharp pokers for fighting men and other living, biological enemies. These razor sharp pokers would carry electrifying electrodes at the end. If I were a robot I would stab people with my pokers and then electrify them from the inside. Of course, if I were a robot, I would eventually have to fight other robots. You can’t electrify other robots since they are, in fact, electrical. They will only feed off of your electricity and become stronger…I assume. If I were a robot I would be very strong. I would be able to defeat most other weaker robots simply by tearing them apart with my robot hands. When I fight other equally powerful robots, or teams of robots, I will need to pull out new stops. If I were a robot, I would have welding torches at the end of my robot fingers. I would be able to melt, cut, combine, and otherwise destroy most other metal beings with my torch fingers. If I were a robot, I would also be able to produce molten lava from my chest. I think that would come in handy. Clearly, if I were a robot I would be a formidable fighter.

If I were a robot, I would be able to fly.

There is more to being badass robot than simply being a great fighter. I would also have a badass attitude. If I were a robot, I would be programmed with over a million badass things to say directly before or after I dispatch a villain. For instance, if I were about to throw villain robot into the pacific ocean where he’ll sink to the bottom and be trapped under miles of water for an eternity, I would say something like: “Looks like it’s time for a bath,” or “Say hello to Davy Jones for me,” or “Anchors away”.

If I were a robot, I would wear hats.

If I were a robot, I would be the best robot in the history of robots. I would destroy all other living creatures and robots standing in my way. If I were a robot, I would be a badass robot.

If I were a robot…

Shalom