Blog Blog

In recent years, the gullible movie going public has been inundated with an appalling glut of crappy movies. Among the lamest of these pathetic excuses for film making are the ‘Movie’ movies. If you’ve been paying attention to the megaplexes you surely have noticed the ‘Movie’ movies. These so-called comedies are hastily made spoofs of current films, generally focusing on a single genre. Then, instead of coming up with a clever title, maybe a jab at another movie, these movies take the easy way out and simply name themselves after the genre they are anemically riffing on. Hence we have ‘Scary Movies’ and ‘Date Movie’ and ‘Teen Movie.’(Yes. I know the teen movie was actually called ‘Not another Teen movie’, but the neither the title nor the film benefited from the inclusion of the negative clause. The cruelest irony of course is that ‘Not Another Teen Movie’ was, indeed, down to it’s very core, just another teen movie.)

Now, even people who have been fans of these franchises in the past – are you out there? – must admit they are running on fumes. The makers of these ‘Movie’ movies are running out of fresh ideas. And that, dear reader, is where I enter the scene. I have noticed these films running in circles, getting no where fast. I have new directions for these films. All they need is to think outside the proverbial box. There are many film genres and sub-genres which have not been exploited. Why, the ‘Movie’ movie potential scenarios are practically limitless. Here is just a short offering of ideas these filmmakers have yet to touch upon:

Merchant-Ivory Movie: A repressed English butler (Leslie Nielson) is overcome with the arrival into his controlled world of an eccentric American female gardener (Monique), an Indian Hindu priest (Abe Vigoda), and mysterious Italian Heiress (Jenny McCarthy). Hilarity ensues.

Elvis Movie: A good ol’ boy, Hawaiian shirted Vale ski instructor and night club performer (Rob Schneider) woos the daughter (Denise Richards) of the town’s richest man (Leslie Nielson) while out-skiing and singing a posse of California pretty boys. Hilarity ensues.

Industry Training Video Movie: A hapless new employee (Jonathan Taylor Thomas) is taught OSHA regulations and the rules of life from a mysterious janitor (Howie Mandel) while avoiding the factory’s eccentric owner (Leslie Nielson). Hilarity ensues.

1950’s Disney Live Action Movie: A young Oklahoma farm boy (Jonathan Lipnicki) and his talking dog (Shaquille O’Neal) are whisked away into the wilderness by a pair of bumbling bank robbers (Anthony Anderson and Randy Quaid). The boy returns home to his homesteader father (Leslie Nielson), shoots his dog, and becomes a man. Hilarity ensues.

Snuff Film Movie: An unsuspecting young women (Kathy Griffin) meets a bizarre trio of ball-gagged men (Charlie Sheen, Ralph Macchio, and Leslie Nielson) at a Red Carpet Inn. Hilarity ensues.

Shalom.