War of the Stars!

In "Clash of the Titans," Perseus goes out of his way to battle the mythological monsters of Greek culture. In "Maximum Overdrive," we see Emilio Estevez battling a truck that comes alive. In "Red Dawn" we witness Patrick Swayze battling Communists who invade mid-western America. These are great examples of two polar opposite groups of people (or objects or monsters) that must face each other on terms set by one of the parties.

Yet there is one "clash" that overshadows all the rest in terms of importance, magnitude, and excitement. I'm not talking about any Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Matrix mumbo-jumbo. I'm not even talking about Woody Allen.

I'm talking about War of the Stars.

Back in the 1980's, there was a line of VHS sports specials hosted by none other than Dick Van Patten (who isn't nearly as popular as Dick Van Dyke, surprisingly). The premise of the show was simple: famous athletes face off against Hollywood actors in the sport of that respective athlete. Sound terribly one-sided? It is. Sound extremely amazing? It's not. But this specific episode that I saw seemed to hold a bit of potential: Michael Jordan vs. The Sheens. At first I thought I was going to see Air Jordan facing off against from 50's doo-wop quartet, but it turned out to just be Charlie and Martin.

The whole thing sort of feels like a shlocky home video, starting with some nice star-wipes and highlights from past "Hollywood vs Sports" match-ups. I had no idea that there was such a rivalry building up between popular actors and athletes; these two elite groups of individuals were having their own little Cold War for centuries, just like the great nations of the world. I think it's safe to attribute this series as the trailblazer that tore down that tense wall, paving the way for a number of celebrity golf outings and "Space Jam." Before "War of the Stars" you rarely saw any crossover between the two worlds. Now, thanks to the diligent work of the Sheens and Michael Jordan, this bridge has been built.

[To the keen reader, you would have noticed that my examples above all featured the Sheens in some way or another. Emilio Estevez (son of Martin Sheen) stars in "Maximum Overdrive," Charlie Sheen co-stars in "Red Dawn," and I think Martin Sheen played the cyclops in "Clash of the Titans." Maybe.]

The "war" went down like this. First, they trash talk each other a bit, all the while Dick Van Patten makes inappropriate "Apocalypse Now" and "Platoon" puns. The Sheens talk about why they like to use the name Sheen instead of Estevez, further separating their relative, and superior actor, Joe Estevez. Michael Jordan talks about how much he likes the Sheens' movies, and how he doesn't think driving a 1980-something VW GTI is goofy.

After they're finishing ripping each other apart with words, the actual match-up begins. The whole event is somehow held in a highschool gymnasium (which I find near impossible, given the tremendous build-up and demand that this war probably had.) Just like the Sega classic "Jordan vs. Bird," they face off in three small events. First, there is a slam dunk competition. Jordan easily defeats the Sheens, considering that, when on the court, they look like a couple of small, angsty gremlins. Their hair is all fuzzy, their legs are squatted, and Charlie has a weird tattoo on his arm. Charlie has a very innocent look to him--since this was before his "get drunk and beat women" days. But, suffice it to say, the two of them can't dunk for crap. The second task they face off in is a foul shooting contest. It's both the Sheens (their scores combined!) against Jordan. While it may appear as if Jordan is going to sweep the competition, the Sheens pull out a close one. The whole event rests on the shoulders of the 2 on 1 half-court game. It was just such a thrilling exercise in machismo and athleticism that I really don't even remember who won! I'm pretty sure it was the Sheens though... considering that they're still working today and Michael isn't, I can say that I'm fairly certain the won.

And so after the dust settled, the three shook hands and went their separate ways. The world had survived the war, unlike when Aliens fight Predators. Patten somehow managed to survive the whole thing and go on to referee a boxing match between Lennox Lewis and Billy Baldwin.