Thursday, September 29, 2005

Mutant Ass and Assorted Other Problems

First, allow me to apologize to my vast reading audience for my absence from the ol' information super high way. I know that millions of people rely upon my wit and wisdom to make it through their meaningless insignificant lives. I can't even walk down the street lately without people stopping me and begging me to continue writing. They rant and rave. There is much renting of clothes and gnashing of teeth. Tears flow freely as these poor wretches cling to my coattails imploring me to write more blogs. In the past weeks I've heard there has been an increase in suicide which I am sure is related to my mysterious disappearance from this very space. There has also been two costly hurricanes during this time. I just can't help feeling that all this could have been avoided if only I had found the time and means to write something - anything - on this blog. So, just for the record, let me say sorry about Katrina. My bad.

The problem, you see, is I've moved and I'm broke. I can't afford such rarefied niceties as cable television, internet service, and underpants - God, how I miss underpants. Compound this with all of a sudden working full time and driving all over God's creation - mainly western Pennsylvania and Eastern Ohio - I haven't found the time to sit down in some nice little internet cafe to write. The free time I do have has been primarily focused on a much more pressing issue: diagnosing and eliminating the ungodly, funky, nasty stench in my new apartment.

My apartment stinks. Quite literally. It produces a smell which almost defies description. It's as though my building was built on an ancient graveyard which is the final resting place of a tribe of flatulent Indians. Let me put it to you another way. Imagine a dog's ass - not the whole dog, just the ass. Good. Now imaging a cat's ass. Smells bad, huh? Now imagine the dog's ass and the cat's ass getting it on. Can you imagine it? These two animal asses knockin' boots? You can? You sick freak. Now imagine the canine and feline asses giving birth to unnatural mutant dog/cat ass mutant puppies/kittens - I'm going to refer to them as kippies. That's what my apartment smells like, kippy ass.

As you might imagine this has been a concern of mine. I was able to get carpet cleaners to my apartment a few weeks ago. They cleaned the carpets, the apparent source of all odor related problems. I thought this would take care of the odor, but I was sadly mistaken. Kippy ass is much more resilient than even I ever imagined. The smell persisted. Today the carpet cleaners sent out another man. This man is the one they go to for serious problems. He makes them go away. He was like the Wolf in 'Pulp Fiction', only the Wolf's first words upon arriving anywhere aren't "Shit, I locked my keys in the van."

At least the Wolf went about his job with soothing professionalism. He assured me everything would be taken care of. He sprayed everything down with sanitizer and then 'sucked the hell out of the place' (his words). By the time the Wolf completed the job I was confident that kippy would finally be vanquished. Then, the Wolf dropped this bomb shell on me: "Some of these are piss stains and they ain't never coming out." Now, I have a small informal set of quotes I never want to hear spoken to me and this is one of them. It ranks somewhere between "James, you have a knife sticking out of your back," and "You're done? I didn't realize we'd started."

There's kippy piss stains all over my carpet - and please don't question how the bastard children of two asses can urinate. These stains will never come out and their smell will never be fully dissipated. As you can imagine this is more than a little disconcerting for me. There is dry piss in my carpets in my apartment, the largest spot just happens to just beneath where my head rest on my bed. This gives me a nice little send off each night and a rude awakening every morning as well as almost fully assuring that a girl will never be in my bed - not that this was a viable opportunity anyway.

I only have one remaining option: embrace the kippy. Tear my clothes off, wear a loin clothe and roll my own animal scent in with the kippy. Eat dead things I find on the street, sucking the meat straight from squirrel bones as I crouch near naked in my living room before a roaring bonfire. Sleep on the floor with only scattered trash and friendly rats to keep me warm. Mark my walls with crude drawings depicting my everyday life so that thousands of years from now paleontologist can discuss the importance of the painting showing 'the young savages hunt for a half-eaten discarded MTO'.

Of course, I could just tear out the carpets.

Shalom
James

Rogue Dolphins Threaten Gulf Coast!

So long and thanks for the fish, suckers! We have a huge problem on our hands, and it's really slippery and smells like fish. Maybe that's because it is fish! Porpoises to be exact. Dolphins that have been trained by the Navy may have escaped into the Gulf Coast thanks to Hurricane Katrina. Now these highly intelligent monsters could be anywhere in the Coast, no, the world. This terrifying bit of news was first reported on by The Guardian, but now the threat is spiraling out of control.

The dolphins probably escaped during the hurricane, which hit their base fairly hard. If they did escape, they are armed with near-deadly tranquilizer guns strapped to their backs. They were trained to hunt down sea-fairing terrorists, detect mines and missiles, and fend off an expected mer-man invasion. But, as the US has learned in the past, training and arming people to do the work for us always ends up backfiring. Now these dolphins are on the lamb, and possibly filled with a hatred for the red, white and blue (by that I mean America, not France, Russia, Britain, or any other country with those colors.)

Scientists and Navy commanders fear that these dolphins, trained under the Cetacean Intelligence Mission, could begin to hunt friendly, American divers. They also fear a possible revenge mission, striking back for years of pain and suffering thanks to Chicken of the Sea. Unfortunately there is no way for us to reason with these dolphins, or try and get them to come back. Flipper, the Jesse Jackson of porpoises, has been dead for years.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Dodge Intrepid Episode 4, now playing!

The fourth episode of "Dodge Intrepid and the Pages of Time" has now been officially uploaded. This is the thrilling final episode of our first epic season. Download it here or visit Podcast.net and listen to it there (it should be appearing in their listings in a few hours.) And as always, if you have subscribed to our iTunes podcast, it will be downloaded to your computer automatically!

At the end of episode 3, you are left with but one question: Is No Goodnick going to burn the Chronotope, stranding Dodge and Pluck in the future forever? Well, we begin this episode with Dodge and Pluck, bursting through the door to Goodnick's study, yelling for him to stop. At the end of the episode, you are also treated to the commercial we recorded especially for Cafe Kolache, the coffee shop that these episodes were performed in!

Following the broadcast of this season finale episode, we will be podcasting the live versions of all four episodes. While they sound a little rougher (a little bit of digital distortion due to the volume) they are a little different from the studio versions, and feature a good bit of audience laughter and improvisation. I'll keep you abreast of those uploads as well. We are currently hard at work on the next season of four episodes, which will be podcast within the next month.

In case you need to catch up, listen to these:
Episode 3
Episode 2
Episode 1

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Here We Go Steelers!

It's that time of year again. Steeler football is upon us. And this past Sunday at noon, pregame began the hype of the current season... Could Big Ben possibly have another season like he did last year? Will this be the Bus' final ride? Can anyone stop the Patriots?... And where was I when the final minutes before kick off ticked down? Virginia.

What, Dave? You weren't glued to the television set like everyone else in Pittsburgh? No. I was on an island off the coast of Virginia where they make horses swim. And it would be a 7 hour car ride to get back to Pittsburgh, which means that Dave would completely miss the first Steeler game of the season.

Like any pure-blooded Pittsburgh Steelers fan, this would simply not work. So I did the only option I had available. I set a VCR tape early Friday morning before I left my apartment for the weekend, so that when I got home, I could watch the game as if it were LIVE.

So the challenge became avoiding any knowledge of the status or outcome of the game, because the slightest hint of even the score would make watching a tape of the game pointless.

The first part of the plan would be simple. Beginning the car ride at noon, I would be in the car in another state for almost the entire game, so ABSOLUTELY NO RADIO, in case I hear a DJ mention anything. CDs the whole way, and if we had to change them... volume all the way down, then eject, new CD in, PLAY, and then volume up again only when it's safe.

A scary, and potentially devestating, event happened at a rest stop in Maryland. I went into the mini-mart to purchase a pop and some chips, when all of a sudden, into the store walked a guy wearing a Steelers t-shirt and a Steelers bandana! I quickly closed my eyes, put my fingers in my ears, and ran to the other side of the store until he was gone. I could not afford to see him. What if he was smiling? What if he was frowning? I could have had the whole game ruined just by the expression on that guy's face.

So from then on out, I was taking no chances. Once we got into Western PA and close to the city, I was driving with blinders on. I couldn't look at other cars, billboards, people... it could all be disasterous. My girlfriend tried her best to ruin it, though: "Look, that sign says 'Ben Roethelisberger R.I.P.' she says.

But I made it. I ran into my apartment, turned on my VCR, pressed rewind, then play... and then turned on the TV. I watched the Steelers pummel the Titans as if it were LIVE. Sure, I got yelled at by my girlfriend for screaming at the TV at 10pm when I saw Big Ben and Randel El hook up for that 63-yard touchdown, but it was all ok... IT'S STEELERS SEASON BABY!!

Horrible Ice Cream Flavors

Slug Whip
Sprinkles and Fiberglass
Uncooked pork swirl
Blueberries and rabbit feces
Mushroom and tomato
German chocolate cake and pubic hair
Triple fudge fingernails
Bananas and crack
Double Whipped Vanilla and dried semen flakes
Pistachio booger
Chocolate chip and small iron girders
Strawberry and Rebar
Microchips and sock fuzz
Extra Arthritis creamy
Cherries and poop
Cement Swirl
Choco-hocker
Jacks and peas
Garlic Burger
Construction paper and school paste
Kerosene and old people
Motor Oil and Particle Board
Aftershave Orange
Cockroach Splenda
Lead paint chips
Franks and Feathers
Cinnamon Lymphoma
Weed Moon Rocks
Lava Sulphuric Acid
Guacamole Baby poo
Raspberry festering boils
Tuna Hi-liter
Tungsten-Carbide Drill Peanut Butter
Cancer and Pickles
Butterfingers, Butter, and Fingers
Cracker Fig
Flinstone Vitaman Scab
Long Island Ice Tea
Radio parts and salt water taffy
Butterscotch and condoms
Lamb and Newspaper
Captain and Tenille
Pencil Shaving Ear Wax
Bath Toys and Keys
Macaroni and Beer
Pizza and Irish Spring Soap
Human Flesh and Pennies
Blood, Sweat, and Tears
Earth, Wind, and your mom
High School Senior Cheerleader

Friday, September 09, 2005

"Dodge Intrepid" Episode 3 Now Podcasting!

This morning we have officially released the third episode of "Dodge Intrepid and the Pages of Time." It's currently available here for download, and should be appearing on the iTunes Music Store and Podcast.net this evening. It's certainly the most exciting episode released so far, and clears up that question burning deep within you: Is Pluck going to get run over by that train?

In this episode, the focus shifts slightly as we follow Allister Farious in his exploration of present day Aliquippa. This installment is filled with parallel action and excitement, all building up to one of the most dramatic cliffhangers yet! And now, if you click here, iTunes will open and you'll be taken directly to our page in the iTunes Music Store. From there, you can subscribe for free and all future episodes will be downloaded directly to your computer!

In case you need to catch up, listen to these:
Episode 2
Episode 1