Rogue Dolphins Threaten Gulf Coast!

So long and thanks for the fish, suckers! We have a huge problem on our hands, and it's really slippery and smells like fish. Maybe that's because it is fish! Porpoises to be exact. Dolphins that have been trained by the Navy may have escaped into the Gulf Coast thanks to Hurricane Katrina. Now these highly intelligent monsters could be anywhere in the Coast, no, the world. This terrifying bit of news was first reported on by The Guardian, but now the threat is spiraling out of control.

The dolphins probably escaped during the hurricane, which hit their base fairly hard. If they did escape, they are armed with near-deadly tranquilizer guns strapped to their backs. They were trained to hunt down sea-fairing terrorists, detect mines and missiles, and fend off an expected mer-man invasion. But, as the US has learned in the past, training and arming people to do the work for us always ends up backfiring. Now these dolphins are on the lamb, and possibly filled with a hatred for the red, white and blue (by that I mean America, not France, Russia, Britain, or any other country with those colors.)

Scientists and Navy commanders fear that these dolphins, trained under the Cetacean Intelligence Mission, could begin to hunt friendly, American divers. They also fear a possible revenge mission, striking back for years of pain and suffering thanks to Chicken of the Sea. Unfortunately there is no way for us to reason with these dolphins, or try and get them to come back. Flipper, the Jesse Jackson of porpoises, has been dead for years.