Simian Second Chances

You know how on occasion people look back wistfully on past events - especially melancholy memories - and say if they had it all to do over again, they wouldn't change a thing? Those people are idiots. Come on, let's be honest here. Sure, doing the whole I wouldn't change a thing bit sounds cool with its hint of wisdom and tragic heroics, but if you say it, you're either delusional or trying to score with a girl. Either way it's still a lie - although I can respect it under the latter circumstances.

We all have things we would change if we had the chance. Heck, I can think of a ton off the top of my head, and these don't even involve bad memories. For instance, if I had to go through High School and college again, I would have a monkey sidekick - a really cool monkey sidekick like Clint Eastwood would have or like that chimp in M.V.P. (that's Most Valuable Primate for those not in the know. He plays hockey and skateboards in bad Disney made for cable movies). Now I'd like everyone to take a moment and contemplate just how incredibly awesome it would be to have a monkey sidekick in school. I would be the coolest kid in school, prom king, valedictorian, student counsel president, and a multiple sport varsity letterman. And that's just high school. The collegiate possibilities of a monkey sidekick are downright mind boggling.

(I know a lot of you are shooting holes through my monkey sidekick fantasy. Most of these objections revolve around the fact that you can't bring a monkey into a school. This is - of course - true. You can't bring a monkey into a school, but you sure as heckfire can bring a foreign exchange student into a school. That's right. All I'd have to do is pass off the creature as a foreign exchange student. What with the strange smell, lack of English language skills, odd body hair, and bizarre behavior, this would prove to be no problem what so ever.)

Monkey sidekick. Right there is just one change I would make with my life if given the chance, and that's just a minor one. I haven't even mentioned the millions of dollars I would have made or the hundreds of foods I would of eaten or the untold number of girls I would have been out right rejected by instead of not even working up the courage to talk to. I'd go into more detail on all of this. I'd love to, but - in the interest of full disclosure - this post is really nothing more than a sad excuse to use the term 'monkey sidekick' a lot.

shalom