"Buy My Burger!"

With the tightening of national security over the past years, especially in America's Capitol, I'm very surprised to see what people get away with. The craziest threat to D.C.'s security is one Matthew Lesko, who seems it fit to run like a mad-man through the Reflecting Pool and around the Washington Memorial. Lesko could be considered a super villain (as his outfit does resemble that of the Riddler's) with super-human strength. He is able to knock over federal security agents with a single shove, or with a crack to the jaw from his ultimate weapon: a $40 book. He, of course, tapes these terrible acts of violence and shows them on various cable channels...

Part Benny Hill and part used car salesman, Lesko has been insisting that we "buy his book" in order to get millions of dollars for free from the government. His screaming has become a joke amongst most TV waters, and is really quite recognizable. In that sense he has been very successful. He's also been successful because he's conned thousands of Americans into giving him millions of dollars so that they can get millions of dollars from the government. It's this sort of insistent, gorilla-salesmanship that makes Lesko a very smart entrepreneur... and possibly a very valuable employee.

MATTHEW LESKO WORKS AT MCDONALDS
Lesko is seen running around the concrete porch area of a suburban McDonalds. He's being pursued by two men who resemble Hamburgler henchmen. After shoving them into various lakes, fountains, and children, Lesko hops over the front counter and mans the register.

"The government has millions of pickles! And you can get them for free on a double cheeseburger! It's just a dollar off of our dollar menu, which we hide at night so that high kids don't come in here and make us work hard for an order that equals a measly two dollars!!!! Buy my burger and you can get two, TWO pickles on your bun! That's a double order of pickles that would normally cost you eight dollars at a fancy corporate pig restaurant!"

The customers try their best to avoid him, but they can't... they want the pickles. And who wouldn't? The man obviously had a point, you do get a double order of pickles on a dollar cheeseburger. It's that kind of in-your-face truth-talk that really brings in the bucks. And of course, just like when you order Lesko's book, you get the burger and realize it's not what you had in mind. The pickle slices are so thin they might as well have been one pickle slice sliced in two.

MATTHEW LESKO AS A HEART SURGEON
Dr. Lesko bursts into the OR, quickly washing his hands as the nurses and other doctors ready the patient on the operating table. A nurse quickly puts latex gloves over Lesko's hands.

"Sorry I'm late for the operation, I just took a free trip around the world after getting a free car and a week's worth of free food! All paid for by the suckers in the government! You took can rape the government of all it's good intentions by applying for grants that you were never meant to have!"

Dr. Lesko looks at the patient's chart and insurance information.

"Hey, this person doesn't have any medicare. He isn't allowed to have an operation! He should have bought my book!"

Flatline........

MATTHEW LESKO AS A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR
"Why are you doing this?! Don't hold that little guy hostage! Hold the government hostage, for hundreds of billions of dollars! The national budget is over trillions of dollars, and half of that is free to anyone who asks for it! If you want to nail the government in the butt, BUY MY BOOK and let the hostage go!"

Remarkably, this works... until the criminal gets his hands on the book and finds out it's a load of hogwash.

And while Matthew Lesko and his wacky methods have been debunked by the Better Business Bureau, he marches on. Nothing can stop a man with his eye on the prize. People will buy his book, people will watch his infomercials, and Matthew Lesko (like the Riddler) makes away with tons of cash.