Making a Buck on a Cracked Skull

There are plenty of get rich quick schemes out there... some folks are involved in constructing pyramids while others are eating bunnies. However the most disturbing idea I've heard was right out of the mouth of my own mom!

We were at my grandfather's wake today (he passed last Thursday of a stroke) and she was talking to my uncle about his grandchildren, who are just learning to walk. Apparently, they keep falling down and bumping their heads on things. In response to this, my mother said, "If I had a dollar for every time a baby hit its head..." Danny and I were shocked. "HOW DARE YOU!" he started screaming. Apparently she was making some money on the side, in the field of baby head injuries.

The jig was up, Mom was involved in a large operation that involved hurting babies. This prompted me to go home and dig through financial records and any of the binders she keeps for her economic development projects. It was within these files I found a torn Denny's place-mat with the following math equation on it:

BABIES + WALKING x (COFFEE TABLE + THROW RUG) = $$$

Apparently every time a baby, while in its earliest stages of childhood, while it's struggling with all its might to live, tries to walk and fails by smacking its soft head off of a table, the parents would have to send her one dollar in the mail. Sure, a dollar seems like nothing, right? Just a drop in the bucket for most privileged folk. But those dollars add up... like a bunch of number ones! It takes babies months, sometimes over a year, to learn how to walk properly. And when I look at some folks my age today, they are still trying to learn. And the entire time children are learning to walk, my mother is making money off of it.

The average baby, according to a recent study, falls about 6 times a day. Now, unfortunately for Mom, those babies aren't always hitting their heads on something. No, that only happens about 2.4 times a day (and this number can fluctuate depending on economic class and crampness of room). Now just to make the math easy, we'll say Mom has 1000 clients with small children running around. That's around $2,400 a day! And I just so happen to know that Mom knows more people than that with small children, all of whom conk their heads on things.

Even more investigation has turned up a PayPal account created by my mom just to make things easier for the parents. The baby smacks its head off of a desk, click the small Firefox plugin that you can add to your toolbar (or if you are a Mac user, she has created a Dashboard widget), and a dollar is automatically taken from your checking account and added to hers! This makes so much sense to me; I had been wondering why she always had a grin on her face each time she filled up our Grand Marquis with Shell premium gas! It was nothing to her! She could fill up five Hummers a day on the baby-income she was raking in.

Well suffice it to say, the feds are now looking deep into my mother's records. I gladly gave them a call and clued them in to the heinous crime she was committing. I give credit to those who know how to work the capitalist system to make some easy cash, but this is crossing the line! There are going to be hundreds of messed up kids in the future, who hit their heads one too many times, and my mom will be living on a private island somewhere!

Just keep that in mind... next time someone says, "If I had a dollar for every time____" check into it. They might be serious.