Sequels, prequels and remakes, oh my!

This summer Hollywood is remaking, retelling, prequeling, and sequeling itself to success. (same as last year) From Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to War of the Worlds; Star Wars, Episode III to Batman Begins; and Bewitched to the Dukes of Hazard, everything old is new again. And everything new is old again.
The bottom line is: New ideas no longer exist. Everything’s been invented.
But Hollywood is still pumping out movies like there’s no tomorrow. (At least no tomorrow they won’t tell you about in a sequel next summer.)
This is good news for the mediocre talents, like me. If creativity and originality are scratched from the qualifications list, I have a shot at being a movie maker.
And I’m taking that shot. I’m pitching these ideas for next summer. All prequels, sequels, and remakes but with modern Hollywood twists, like more violence, more zombies, gratuitous nudity and a few, dare I say, surprises.

Sunrise Boulevard (sequel to Sunset Boulevard): Joe Gillis rises from the grave and tries to return to his life as a screenwriter. He teams up with other zombies, haunting Hollywood with ideas that have been done to death. “All right, Mr. Romero, I’m ready for my close-up.”

Casablanca, the sequel. Or Here’s Looking at You, Too.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine … twice. Yes, Sam, play it again. If she can stand it, so can I.

Back with a Vengeance (Sequel to Gone with the Wind) Scarlet’s baaack. She’s pissed and looking for revenge. As promised, she hasn’t gone hungry, but she has gone a little crazy, and frankly, my dear, you better give a damn.

Citizen Kane II, Rosebud’s Revenge: Like Steven King’s Christine, Rosebud returns from the fires possessed. A hapless, unaccepted child finds Rosebud, and is transformed into a cool, reckless sled-riding madman, with a sled bent on revenge. Complete with the clichéd close-ups, fade-ins, and off angle shots that made the original so original.

The Greatest Story Ever Told – the remake. (what more needs to be said?)

Fahrenheit 4-1-1: Michael Moore’s documentary, Fahrenheit 9-11, was so successful, it begs for a sequel. A sequel documentary about Michael Moore making his documentary. But Fahrenheit 4-1-1 begs the question, “Where’d you get the information?”

The as-of-yet, untitled prequel to History of the World, Part I. (practically writes itself.)

Dr. Strangelove, the sequel: Post Apocalypse Now, or How I learned to stop worrying and love the fallout. Eddie Murphy and Jim Carey play all the parts in this tale of a nuclear wasteland where someone is building a Birthday Device, called the Genesis device. (Sure, I stole that from Star Trek, II, but if the option gets picked up, I’ll call it my tribute to a great sequel.) Hilarity ensues.

The Female Ishtar: Roseanne as a suave, beautiful sophisticated socialite teams with Paris Hilton as a bumbling, dateless loser. The star power alone will make it as big a hit as the original.

20,000 Leagues of Their Own: Combine the world' s first all female baseball team with the first nuclear powered underwater ship and we get the Nautilus Nine. Plus we learn, “There’s no crying in submarines.”

The Post Graduate: I have one word for you; Sequel.

That’s right, sequel. Nothing says success like success.
See you at the movies … again.