Lower Standards Required

Well, my ego received its quadannual kick in the old testicles, leaving it feeling deflated and sick to its stomach. I just received the Grove City College Alumni Magazine "The Geedunk" - named after the school's student union which was, in turn, named after a drug craze of the 1940's...Or something, I was never really hip to campus history. "The Geedunk" is filled with great news about Grove City alumni who are doing great things with their lives and degrees. So, it should come as no surprise to my loyal readers (hi Larry) that my name appears no where in or on the magazine. It's not even addressed to me. They sent it to someone named "underachiever" who must've lived at my apartment before me.

The magazine doesn't even mention any of my friends from school, the people I really want to know about. It's almost completely useless to me. I don't want to know that the really pretentious, loudmouth from my novels class has been accepted to some doctoral program, or that so and so got married. I want to know if Ben Keenan ever met the guy who played Artie (the strongest man in the world) from Pete and Pete. This magazine was made for the over involved over achievers from school by the over involved over achievers. It's not made for me and my people by us. Grove City is completely underserving a vast, apathetic, underperforming portion of its alumni population.

That's why I am starting my own alumni magazine, an alumni magazine for the rest of us. I'm going to call it "The Grate" - named after the mysterious grate outside of one dorm which always blew hot air and all the smokers would congregate around in cold weather. "The Grate" is going to focus on the more modest achievements of less ambitious alumni. It would feature updates such as "Bill Johnson ('02) finished the 72 ounce Lumberjack steak in one sitting. As a reward he received said steak for free and has his name proudly displayed on the wall of gastro-intestinal fame." Now, that's news. "The Grate" will also set itself apart by not focusing solely on the positive. "The Grate" will make a concerted effort to make disappointing Grove City graduates feel better by featuring alumni worse off than themselves. Every issue will feature a list of alumni divorces and such interesting tidbits as "John Billson('83) is distraught to announce his son, Bruce, is gay. 'I never should've named him Bruce.' Billson says." Really disturbing news, such as "Grove City Graduate killed in snuff film" will be reserved for the centerfold.

It's a great idea, and I'm sure a lot of my friends will really appreciate it. But the more I think about it. Starting a magazine seems like so much work, what with all the writing and editing and printing and mailing and such. I'm afraid "The Grate" will have to remain a beautiful unfulfilled dream. Face it, if I were ambitious enough to start my own subversive magazine, I would already be in the establishment magazine, making the whole thing kind of hypocritical of me.

Shalom