This Guard Has Holes in Him

For the Pope's funeral, the Vatican brought in Italian fighter jets, warships, and soldiers from a bunch of different countries to ensure that everything went safely. But these high security measures aren't always present at the Vatican. During the funeral you may have noticed those folks with the red-plumed helmets... those aren't Spartan soldiers who happened to travel back in time to attend the services. Those are the Pope's first (and only) line of defense, his body guards, and his mery band of mercenaries: the Swiss Guards.

How did these ridiculous looking soldiers from the most well-known neutral country in Europe come to protect His Holy Pontiff? Well, let me tell you...

Part ninja, part gladiator, part award-winning seamstress, the Swiss guards are not to be trifled with. They are a highly trained group of warriors from the land of Swatches and anonymous bank accounts who stand proudly at the gates of the Vatican, swearing their lives to the protection of the Pope.

This all came about in the late 1400's when the Vatican held an alliance with dirty, dirty France. France was constantly getting their ass kicked by invaders, and because they couldn't defend their way out of a paper bag, they began looking for some mercenaries. It was back in this time when Switzerland was but a small, mysterious, land-locked nation who didn't really know too many people. But one day France saw in the European Gazette an ad for Swiss Mercenaries. Feeling bad that no one liked to talk to the Swiss (rumor was going around that they smelled bad... but this turned out to just be the French the whole time) the French hired 1,500 soldiers to defend Basle. According to legend, and a diary by Louis XI, the guards not only kicked ass, but they killed 20 times as many men! (It's still unknown how many that number is...) And so after seeing this hella-cool display, the French sent a recommendation over to the Pope.

In 1497, Pope Sixtus IV brought in the guards as mercenaries. He built some barracks for them, gave them a cask of wine and a toasted sub and set them up for the night. It was at this point in Church history that the Vatican found itself under constant attack from the Polish Cossacks. These Cossacks, while absolutely terrible at stealth (due to the amount of pots and pans they strapped to their belts in those days), managed to wreak havoc months earlier at the Vatican's annual Induldgence Carnivale. And so to test the Swiss waters, 150 guards were brought in to fight off the Cossacks. Turns out they did so in amazing fashion, using their long staffs to disarm the Cossacks (and making their pants drop in traditional comic fashion), and defended the Vatican in under an hour.

In 1506, Pope Julius II brought in more Swiss guards and made them the official Pontifical Swiss Guard. They would forever protect the Pope and Cardinals from crazed invaders which may include, but are not limited to, ninjas, mummies, large squids, and various Evangelical Protestant solicitors. The guards have been doing their job with a smile for about 500 years now.

But what makes these guards so special? Why are they so darn good at what they do? Well, the novice humorist may say "Because they use Swiss Army Knives, eat lots of chocolate, wear Swatches and K-Swiss shoes, etc..." but come on, you and I both know that's about as true as the Swiss Navy. The truth behind the guards lies in their training regimen, their weaponry, and their optimistic attitude on life.

Every morning the Swiss guard is awoken by a splash of fresh, chilled Alpine Water. Sitting upright, they hop out of bed and do 12 jumping jacks (one for each Apostle) and go get some breakfast. On their way to breakfast, however, they are ambushed by several forms of sand-filled enemies. Punching bags drop from the ceilings of their barracks, forcing them to react with lightning quickness. After breakfast, the guards watch four hours of MadTV. This gives them the urge to kill. The rest of their day is spent watching the gates of the Vatican, posing for pictures, and letting kids know how tall they have to be to ride the Pope-coaster.

Their weaponry consists solely of a flexible pole with a pointy knife at the end. It is with this staff that they are able to disarm any enemy in a matter of moments. A few quick swipes and the intruder is defenseless. Then the Swiss soldiers finish them off with a series of forceful kicks and slaps. A force only comparable to the Russian Orthodox Metropolitan Swordsmen of Croatia.

The Swiss Guards have a great sense of humor and a very uplifting outlook on life. Each guard, upon entering the service, is given a copy of "7 Habits of Highly Effective Swiss Guardsmen" and a cassette tape of the Broadway Recording of "Anything Goes." It's always been a tourism legend that if you go up to them at the gates and say "Knock Knock" they will tell you one of the funniest priest jokes you will ever hear in your life (but it's not a sin for them to tell the joke because they protect the Church.)

And so if you ever get a chance to visit the Vatican, check out these excellent gentlemen. Next year should be their 500th year anniversary of service, and if you are lucky you may just meet one of the original mercenaries.