Manners are Dead

As those of you lucky enough to know me are probably well aware I do not have the best manners in the world. My manners are particularly sub-par when it comes to eating. My uncouth feeding habits know no bounds. I eat with my hands. I talk with my mouth full. I lick the plate. Even being in public can't stop me. Many a time I have been chastised in restaurants by friends, family, complete strangers, and wait staff, all to no avail. I cannot be stopped. I refuse to be contained.

The more I think about this, the more I become convinced that I shouldn't care. After all, table manners are nothing more than capricious rules set down - probably by the French - to keep people from really enjoy food however they want. Let's take licking the plate as an example. Say, for instance, I have just enjoyed a delicious dessert covered in some sort of gooey, chocolately sauce. When I have finished eating the main dessert - it could be anything, like ice cream, cake, pie, etc - I would like nothing more than to consume whatever chocolate goodness remains on my plate, and I know of no better method of enjoying this sauce than to simply lick the plate clean. This is widely frowned upon in good company. I should not lick my plate, especially in public. It reflects poorly on me. People see me lick my plate and say to themselves: "That boy is a pig. He will obviously never amount to anything in life." But when I look at people not licking there plates, I say to myself: "Poor fools, they will never know the simple pleasure of licking a plate clean."

You see I am not bound by the simple rules of dining. There is no reason for me to be. If I follow the rules I only cheat myself out of fully enjoying my food. I lose enjoyment, but I gain nothing. You could argue that I gain the acceptance of the people around me, but I don't want their acceptance. I want to lick my plate. So, following proper etiquette leads only to my ultimate disappointment, where blatantly disregarding etiquette leads to sweet, sweet satisfaction.

There are no convincing arguments for following proper etiquette. Nothing in all my study of philosophy, ethics, and theology has persuaded me to take on table manners. Aristotle never saw fit to tackle the subject in his Ethics. Descarte, like wise, remains quite silent on the issue. As far as I can tell, no major religion has any commandments to follow table etiquette. No where in the Bible is it written: "Thou shalt not use the dinner fork during the salad course." Heck, Jesus broke bread with his BARE HANDS and then fed it to the disciples.

So, I implore all of you, throw off the shackles of table etiquette and enter the promised land of sheer pleasure. If you want to lick the plate, lick the plate. If you want to eat with your hands, eat with your hands. If you want to drink directly from the soup bowl, slurp away. If you want to talk with your mouth full, just don't spray any on me. Maximize your eating pleasure. Do not let the cruel forces of manners and the stares of the unenlightened slow you down. Know that you are not less than them. You have transcended them. They are merely culinary men, while we, my friends, are now culinary super men, sailing above their simple little rules, paying no heed to societies silly little conventions. We are better. We are above. We are beyond. We most likely have chocolate sauce on our chins.

shalom