Never Newlywed

If you get married, never go on the Newlywed Game. This is just a little advice that I've started giving out after watching a few episodes this afternoon on GSN. I've watched the show before, but it never really hit me how bad it could be for your newly blossomed relationship. It sounds like a cute idea at first, a way to find out how compatible you really are, and a way to possibly walk away with some nifty prizes. That is until you come to the realization that you may have just single handedly destroyed your new marriage with one word: thighs.

The game is a twenty-five minute test to see how well you and your spouse know each other. The host (back in the 70's it was Bob Eubanks) first asks the husbands four questions about their wives. Then the wives come back in and answers the questions, and if they are a good, loving couple then their answers will match. The next round the men leave and the wives are asked four more questions. The process is repeated, and at the end whichever couple has the most points is declared the best married couple (which is comparable to "world's tallest midget") and wins a grand prize... like a camper or a four night stay in a couple's hotel.

But the Newlywed Game is a harsh mistress, one that brings out the worst in every man and women involved. Eubanks, like Geraldo Rivera, doesn't pull any punches with his questions. They are sharp, provocative, and tempestuous. He could easily ask questions like "What's your wife's favorite food?" or "What is nicest thing about your spouse?" Yeah, that would be the high, respectable, road... but class doesn't get ratings! So, he asks questions like "Which part of your wife's body has gone to the dogs?" and "What about your spouse makes you want to vomit?" Surprisingly enough, some answered both questions with "thighs."

Every once in a while, the spouse will answer honestly, throwing his or her self-esteem out the window. But that's rare. Usually they will say something far worse.

"What is the kinkiest thing in the house?"
Wife: That's definitely the porno magazines that he keeps in the night stand!
Husband: What?! You got the subscription!
Wife: And you read them!
Husband: My answer was shaving cream!

Awkward.

The worst is when the answer one spouse gives totally surprises the other. A question about what you can't stand about the other can end in total surprise and rosy cheeks when the spouse says something the other didn't even know they did. "You fart in your sleep." "I hate her parents." "Every time we make whoopie you get a Sean Connery accent." The other person just sits there agasp. They lean in and say "When?" like they can possibly discuss this on TV. An eerie silence falls over the show as Eubanks awkwardly moves on.

A good number of marriages don't last very long in America. There are so many other factors that cause a marriage to struggle: different religions, social class, a lust for blood of virgins, etc. The last thing new couples need is a gameshow that tests their greatest weaknesses. My advice to you is to stay far, far away from the Newlywed Show.