My Tax Dollars at Work

Since September, I've been living in a truly swinging bachelor pad smack dab in the middle of hip, bustling New Brighton, Pennsylvania (official motto: 'Always within walking distance of a bar'). Now, I like my adopted hometown just fine, although I have noticed a few tiny aspects of the town which are not quite up to snuff. For instance, while you are technically always within walking distance of a bar, sometimes the bar is over a whole block away, making it quite a precarious trip on foot. Also, the town could use more hot chicks, hot chicks with low standards, hot chicks with James-low standards. So, imagine my joy when I found out New Brighton has been awarded $1 million from the state for improvements.

Of course, my joy was short lived when I discovered that this money was not going toward moving in bus loads of lonely and confused co-eds from the University of Miami beach volleyball team. Apparently the money's for renovating main street, and that doesn't mean putting in more bars. The grant will be used to add new lighting, replace sidewalks, plant trees, put in benches, bicycle racks, and blah, blah, blah. The list goes on. What waste of a million bucks. I mean couldn't they think of anything better? A million dollars falls into their laps - Courtesy of the taxpayers of my fair state - and the best they can come up with is this stupid little downtown beautification project.

Just think about it. What would you do with a million dollars? That's right. You'd do the same thing I would: Something completely stupid (Don't bother arguing with me on this one. Face it, if you're reading this blog you're already prone to making bad decisions.) It's just more fun that way. For instance, if I had ten extra dollars right now, the chances of me putting it in the bank toward paying rent or student loans would be pretty slim. The odds of me buying a new wiffle ball bat on the other hand are much better.

So, why should the municipality of New Brighton look upon this extra $1 million any different. Instead of spending this money on some boring been-there-done-that renovation project, why not blow the whole wad on something completely ridiculous but fun. Here's my proposal. First, obviously, forget the whole main street fix up deal. Second, take all the money and throw a big, totally bad ass party. That's right, a huge, town wide no holds barred party. I'm talking par-tay. And with $1 million it would really rock. We're talking kegs of good beer, not beast. We're talking about name brand party mix, not generic dollar store brand. We're talking about getting good music, not that drunk guy with an out of tune guitar who always shows up at parties.

Just imagine, an entire town wasting $1 million dollars of tax payer money in one drunken orgy of frivolity. I know that a lot of you might be a little disturbed by this, but you know you'd be there, drinking government beer and getting your freak on, New Brighton style.

Shalom

Oh, and in case you were wondering, any money left over from the party would go toward building a water slide...a huge, sweet ass water slide.

Shalom (again)