Sandwich Philosophy

Yesterday, I visited my grandmother in New Brighton. This is not an unusual occurrence for me on the weekends. I usually drop in on my poor, widowed grandmother at least once a week, and upon arrival I am put instantly into hard labor. Well, not really HARD labor, it's more like hard-only-if-your-over-75 labor. I do all the things that my grandmother can't do anymore, like carry things up and down stairs and lift anything weighing more than couple pounds.

(Now, here, just as a side note not having anything to do with the rest of this post, I feel the pressing desire to tell you about the incredible find I made in my grandmother's basement. I found an actual, genuine campaign pin for Richard Millhouse Nixon circa 1960. You can tell it's from 1960 by looking at Nixon's picture and measuring his jowls. In this picture, Nixon's jowls are still above his chin. Hence, this is a relatively young Nixon from 1960. By the time Nixon was actually president his jowls reached past his chin. By the time he left office they were to his collar. I understand at the time of his death, Richard Nixon's jowls were flapping around somewhere near his nipples. Well, anyway, this pin is really cool and I plan to start wearing it...A lot)

After a couple of hours of carrying laundry and moving boxes around her basement, my grandmother pointed out that it was past noon, lunch time. She informed me that she had almost no food in her house. Luckily, grandma had two Subway Club cards chock full of stamps and I was dispatched to bring back lunch. Now, a full card entitles you to one free six inch sub with the purchase of a medium drink. Two full cards entitles you to a free foot long with the purchase of a medium drink. I'm sorry to bore everyone with what seems to be trifling details and fine print, but I assure everyone that this information is of vital importance to this inane little essay I am writing.

Now, it was my goal to buy two separate six inch subs while spending as little money as possible. I, therefore, would try to get both free while buying only one drink. This would not be easy since it is against the rules of the Subway club card, but I figured I could do it. I walked into Subway, and up to the poor unsuspecting high schooler working behind the counter.

"Hello," I said. "Can I get two different six inch subs with these cards and only buy one drink?"

"No," The girl said. This did not deter me since this was the answer I expected. I knew that I would need to take a more clever tack."

"What if," I said, "I got a foot long consisting of two halves that were completely different?"

"That would be two six inches," she said. Hmmm, I could see that she would be a tough egg to crack. She seemed somewhat tired and annoyed, although I had not yet begun to become tiresome and annoying.

"Yes," I said, "And two six inches add up to one foot long."

"But they'd be different."

"So?"

"That makes them two different sandwiches."

"Why couldn't it be one sandwich that changes half way through?"

"It just can't."

"Let me ask you a question." I was doing things like tenting my fingers and furrowing my brow to show that I was about to make an excellent point. "Are you the same now as you were when you were five? Of course you're not, but you're still the same person. So, why can't a sub be different at the ten inch mark than at the two inch mark, and still be the same sub?" After finishing my point, I threw my hands in the air just a little to either said of my head in a sort of ta-da gesture.

The girl just stared at me blankly for a second before saying, "Sir, don't make me get my manager."

So, I relented. Since I still didn't want to buy two drinks I got a foot long sub of what my grandmother wanted. I would eat half even though it was not what I really wanted (I know, I'm such a martyr). But then something happened when the girl was putting on the veggies which set me off again.

My Grandmother wanted cucumbers on her sandwich - because she's old and old people like things like cucumber - on the other hand, I - being young a virile - detest cucumber. So, I asked, ever so nicely, if there was a way that one half of the sandwich would not be bothered by said cucumber. The girl said that the veggies could be completely different on each side. When she said this it set off something in my brain.

"Wait a second," I said. "Doesn't having completely different veggies on each side side make this into two separate sandwiches?"

"It's still all ham."

"No." I was enjoying this. "That half is ham with cucumbers. This half is ham without cucumbers. That's two completely different sandwiches."

I got no response to this but a blank stare. I decided to go one anyway.

"You see," I said, going in to lecture mode, "As soon as you change one thing you change the essential sandwichness of the sandwich. Therefore by changing something on only half of the sandwich, we are now looking at two separate sandwiches. You only insist that it is the same because you are stuck in the narrow societal perpetrated idea that the sandwich is defined by the meat, and everything else is unessential. However, one might argue, that you could just as easily consider the veggies to be the essential part of the sandwich. Then you would have one cucumber sandwich and one lettuce sandwich, completely different sandwiches. In reality, I would argue, all parts of the sandwich are essential. To change one part of the sandwich - no matter how seemingly insignificant - you change the entire sandwich."

At this point I wasn't even arguing for anything in particular. I was arguing simply for the sake of arguing. I didn't want another sandwich at this point. What I really wanted was for someone to pop up and say "Boy, you sure are clever". Of course, this didn't happen. The only response I got was from the poor girl on the other side of the counter.

"Sir," she said, "Would you please check out now? Please."

Shalom