Six String Scourge

There is a great and vile evil roaming free upon our land, a pestilence, a blight upon the very soul of our great country. Nothing can divert this rank villainy. What, you might ask, could be so foul? Is it AIDS? Is it poverty? Is it rhetorical questions? No. No. No. I am talking about a plague at once more benign and more devilish than any of these. I am talking about a scourge which wants nothing more than to ruin your good times. I am talking about those idiots who bring guitars to parties and want to 'jam'.

If you attend a good number of gatherings, get togethers, parties, and the like, there is a good chance you know exactly what I am talking about. You go to a party, and everything's A-Ok. There's food, people, your choice of fine beverages. People are talking, joking, laughing, having an all around good time. Then, Like a foreboding crack of thunder in the distance, someone brings in his guitar. This is quickly followed by the realization that many people have guitars. Often they drop everything they are doing and run to their car to get them. Eventually, someone suggest that all the guitar players get together somewhere - often in right in the middle of the party - and jam.

For those of you who don't know what I mean by 'jamming', allow me to enlighten you. To jam in the musical sense - as opposed to the raspberry preserve sense - has, in my experience, two definitions. Definition one: What happens when a group of talented musicians get together and play music in a fun and unencumbered way. Definition two: What happens when drunk douche bags get together with guitars - not necessarily in tune - at a party and proceed to annoy anyone who isn't playing. As you can see, jamming in the former definition is fine and I have no problem with it. Jamming in the latter sense however is not fine and I despise it. It has yet - even once - to add anything positive to any party I've ever been to. Quite the contrary, it often ruins parties. It makes conversation more difficult. It's never as entertaining to the people not jamming as it is to the people jamming. As a matter of fact, jamming has the knack of bringing parties to a grinding halt. People are held captive by these idiots - who always play way too loud. The enjoyment of the masses is negated for the enjoyment of a small group of morons.

Now here's the real problem. In every group of jammers - I think I just coined a phrase - there is one guy who is really, genuinely good, and it would probably be okay if just this one alpha guitarist would play by himself. It would be kind of the low rent equivalent of the smooth jazz pianist at high society functions. However, people with guitars always materialize around this alpha guitarist and start jamming with him. This is patently absurd. At the aforementioned high society functions you never hear this said to the smooth jazz pianist: "Dude, I've got a key board in my car. I'm totally going to get it and we are totally going to jam." It just doesn't happen in civilized society.

Of course, the people who join the alpha guitarist are of variable skills. There are usually one or two guys who more or less know what they're doing: play things in the right key, keep rhythm, know a bunch of cords. Even this is kind of OK. At least it doesn't sound horrible. But this is never how it goes because, invariably, the group is joined by some guy - sometimes guys - who just sucks. This guy always plays too loud, plays in the wrong key, and for some reason can't keep his guitar in tune. Now the alpha and beta guitarist - instead of doing the reasonable thing and telling the omega guitarist to get lost - have to play louder to cover up this travesty.

To make matters worse. It always happens that no one knows the same songs. So you get one person trying to show another person how to play something, which they proceed to play poorly. For some reason, they manage to never play a song through the whole way. Often they'll spend twenty minutes noodling around on two or three cords which grows monotonous and dull. And through all of this, the other people at the party are just trying to have a good time. They want to talk to friends, meet new people, laugh, and whatnot, but those stupid jammers just refuse to go away. You can't talk over them. You can't talk to them - and I've had conversations end because all of a sudden my friend just had to jam. You can't even dance to them, because they usually really suck. They are like a black hole in the middle of the party, sucking the fun away from everyone else so that they are the only ones really enjoying themselves. At least they don't eat all the food.

So, in conclusion, let me leave everyone with a good piece of advice. If you are going to a party and want to take a guitar with you, stop for a second. Now, ask yourself a few questions. Are you playing in a band that has been asked to perform at this party? Are you being paid to perform at this party? Are you going to a party where everyone - or at least a vast majority of the people - will jam with you or not mind if you jam? Are you Jimmi Hendrix? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then go, take your guitar. But if you answered no to all these questions, then LEAVE YOUR STUPID GUITAR AT HOME!!! Try having a conversation for a change. You might like it.

Shalom

P.S. I would like everyone's help with a very important decision. I have finally followed through on my promise - made here in this blog a few weeks ago - to grow a mustache. I have not shaved my upper lip for almost a week. As you might imagine, my mustache is in that strange, sleazy, half-there state at the moment. Now this doesn't bother me, but...I have a job interview tomorrow. Should I shave my dirt-stache for my job interview or just keep it? Seriously, I'd like to know what everyone thinks. Even if you don't know me, even if you find yourself on this blog on mistake or on a whim, let me know what you think. Just leave a comment and hopefully they will help me decide whether or not to shave. Thanks.

shalom (again)