Focus

I was flipping through the channels on the old television - not an all together unusual activity - when I chanced upon something interesting on C-SPAN. (Yes, I am  aware that the words C-SPAN and interesting do not generally appear together in any context, but technically this was C-SPAN2.) They were airing a meeting of a focus group from somewhere in Ohio. (OK, I admit this still doesn't sound interesting, but bare with me.) So, there were about 9 people in a non-descript meeting room of some sort being quizzed by a weasily, condescending focusmeister. (Well, maybe this is only interesting to me, but I'm forging ahead anyway.)

This focusmeister - sorry about the overly technical jargon - was asking all sorts of questions about Bush and Kerry to this rag tag assembly of housewives, retirees, and guys with goatees. This was so fascinating to me because this was a window into the strange and arcane tools used by candidates to gain political office. No doubt, Bush, Kerry, and their people use focus groups such as this to tailor their platforms, speeches, and such. After viewing this focus group, I only have one thing to say about the state of the democratic process in our country: It is totally screwed up.

If Bush and Kerry are listening to people like this, God help us all. These people are complete idiots. They almost all complained that both candidates seem to avoid really confronting the issues, but what do you expect when they hear from focus groups like this is that Bush supporters like him for his 'strength and confidence' while Kerry supporters think he's 'careful and thoughtful'. Why would the candidates deal with the issues, when focus groups are telling them that they're more interested in their images?

Then, there were the questions coming from the focusmeister. There was, of course, the old ' who looks more presidential?' chestnut. The correct answer to this is: who cares? It doesn't matter who looks more presidential. Neither Bush nor Kerry does. One has a face that looks like it's melting. The other's face appears to be constantly sucked toward some midpoint, maybe around his nose. (Curiously enough, if you crossed Bush with Kerry, you'd get one normal looking person.) Plus, it doesn't really matter who looks more presidential. It doesn't even matter who acts more presidential. The only question that matters is who would make the better president. Plus, asking who's more presidential between two candidates is akin to asking which is more tree-like: a pine cone or a buckeye. Both have the capability to be a tree, and once a tree, it becomes de facto tree like. It can be nothing but tree like, since it is, after all, a tree. The candidate who becomes president becomes presidential simply by being president, since by definition he can not be otherwise.

The questions from the focusmeister just kept getting stranger and stranger. At one point he asked, "If John Edwards was a family member what family member would he be and why?" Almost everyone answered Uncle - one guy cryptically answered 'an uncle from the coast' with out giving any explanation. Again, no one gave the correct answer which would be to point out that the question is stupid and not worthy of a serious answer - although, if forced to answer I'd have to say Uncle Joey since Edwards, much like Uncle Joey, is just a little too eager to please.

At about this point my attention began to stray from the focus group on television. I began to wonder why the focusmeister didn't just go whole hog and continue asking more and more bizarre questions. It would make for better television and be just as useful to society to just screw with the people, just ask off the wall crap, dare someone to call you on the questions. As a matter of fact, I have a list of questions I would just love to ask a focus group. Here's just a few:

If Dick Cheney were a candy bar, what kind would he be and why? - Hopefully this question would lead to a Bush supporter saying something like: "M&M's because he may have a hard shell, but deep down I think he's a real sweety." To which a Kerry supporter would respond: "Technically M&M's aren't candy bars, nitwit." This would lead to loud shouting and maybe fisticuffs, which would make for really good television.

If you could ride one ride at the carnival with John Kerry, which would it be and why? - The correct answer is his jowls.

If John Edwards ran one attraction at this carnival, which would it be and why? - Hopefully someone would say: "None, he'd set up a lawyer booth to sue when one of the rides comes crashing down."

Which word better describes George Bush: lava or magma? - Even I'm mystified by this question and I came up with it.

Which Olsen Twin are you more attracted to? - Just to see if everyone's still awake.

If Dick Cheney could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be and why? - A good cardiologist for obvious reasons.

Is John Edwards more of a Dick York or a Dick Sergeant? - Either way, he's still second banana.

True or false: George Bush totally rules at pack man. - Who knows? He might.

You've been invited to John Kerry's birthday party, what do you bring as a gift? - I don't know. What do you get the man who married the woman who has everything?

See now wouldn't this be fun. I think that I may have found my calling. I should run focus groups. I'd be just as useful, but at least twice as entertaining as the guys they have running them now. All I'd really need to do is keep a straight face, and act like I know what I'm doing. That doesn't sound hard at all. How do you think I got through college?

Shalom