Throwing My Hat into The Ring

As I'm sure all of you know - or at least I hope you do - we are in the midst of an election year. Come November we Americans - or at least the 30% of us who vote - will go out to the polls and cast our lot with either George W. Bush or John Kerry. This is a momentous decision, but if you are like an ever growing number of people I run into, you don't really care. This is especially painfully true of our young people. Yes, I know - as I posted on our previous, long forgotten blog - voting isn't cool. It never has been nor never will be. So, I think what young people need is a candidate they can really get behind.

With this said, I would like to take this moment to declare my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America. Yes, I know according to the so-called 'Constitution'I am too 'young' to run for president. To this charge I only have one reply: constitution shmonstitution. I have my right to seek gainful employment and I shouldn't be blocked. This rule is clearly biased against the young. This is the same reason high schoolers can play in the NBA. Now all I need to find is some judge to eviscerate the constitution. That shouldn't be hard. It's what they seem to do.

Now that that's out of the way, I know what your next question is: "But James why should we vote for you?" A very good question, deserving of a very good answer. So why should you vote for me. Because I'm super cool, that's why. But don't take my word for. My mom thinks I'm super cool too. She also thinks I'm very handsome and quite a catch. So, there naysayers. You don't hear Bush or Kerry's mothers saying that.

Still not convinced? Want to know where I stand on the issues, what my platform is? Fine. I now proudly unveil the platform which will carry me to victory come November. I, James Catullo, promise the following:

1) Mondays, according to my careful research of Garfield comics, are the worse day of the week. Therefore, once I am president, I shall declare that every Monday morning from 10:30 to 11 AM be dubbed 'Dance Party USA'. During this time, according to the law, all business shall cease and all Americans shall dance as they see fit.

2) The band Nickelback will stop recording and touring.

3) I will lower taxes.

4) All Americans will be able to declare 1 personal holiday a year. On their personal holidays people will be excused from work or school. This holiday can be any day and for any reason. If you wish to spend the day at home in observance of Scott Baio's birthday, so be it.

5) Women will want to go out with me. I'm adding it to the constitution. Either they go out with me or they go to prison.

6) I will build more prisons to house the expected millions of women who still won't go out without me.

7) I will cut the size of government.

and finally...

8) I will change the national anthem to 'The Hustle.' This way whenever an American Olympic athlete wins a gold medal, he or she will do a reverent and tearful rendition of 'The Hustle' on the winners podium. And that's funny.

So, come November remember you have another choice besides Bush or Kerry - and no, I don't mean Nader. When you vote, America, I want you to remember the only candidate who really knows what it means to be American. I want you to remember the only candidate who speaks to you in the language you understand, the language of old sitcoms. Most of all America, I want you to remember: DO THE HUSTLE!! (do do do do do do do)

Shalom