Rave Against the Machine

I watch alot of day time television. I'm one to just sit down and click away, but I definitely have it on in the background, as my summer days grind away in the most boring fashion available to me. And there are one group of commercials that not only succeed in making me laugh every time, but also intrigue me far more than they should. These commercials are for entrepreneurial (a word SHU seems to love for some reason) credit machines that do all the work and give you all the cash. Not only are they perfect for the wanna-be millionare inside of us all, but they also require us to do nothing but suck in the sweet sweet cash!

You may have seen the commercials yourself. These wonder machines include ATM machines in fast food chains, internet access points, wireless hotspots, and movie rental machines. That's right, you can rent movies... from a vending machine. Apparently, these machines do nothing but rake in the dough. All you do is pick a location, set up the machine, and then stop by every once in a while to get your loot. It begs the question, "Why aren't we all doing this?! Why am I going to college? Why am I even working on graphic design, when all I have to do is get a key, walk down to my giant movie-renting-machine and get my loot?" This operation is literally the deus ex machina that will come and end my working career (which has been lazy as best thanks to my Trib job).

What's even better about all of this, is the lifestyle I will have once I get my machines. According to the commercials, I will become an old man with a full head of gray hair. I will get to wear Hawaiian shirts while sitting by a huge pool, and have an attractive girl in a bikini look over my shoulder as I monitor my money from an old Apple iBook! Holy shit! This is the life of a king, I tell you... a king! I know this is exactly how Bill Gates and Ted Turner live. I just know it. And soon, I shall be with them... well, not WITH them, but in the same class as them. Getting taxed less (hopefully) than the average man, but instead of giving out more jobs like most billionaires, I will make my billions from the machine. Perhaps I will hire someone to go around and pick up the money for me... a small Cuban boy. That way I won't look like an American jerk. I'm giving back to the community, and letting Pepe' get some exercise.

And of course, thanks to Global Link (the enigmatic company behind these marvelous machines) and my sex-slave Adonna, I will be the mysterious billionaire that I always strived to be. I will have no choice but to become a super villain, hiring thousands of nameless henchmen, and that guy with the question mark suit who is always being chased by the feds, and I will take over the world in my zeppelin. That's right... a zeppelin.

But there is just one loose end that needs tied up... and that is of this mysterious video rental machine. I just don't get it. Somehow the movie titles will be updated (I'm assuming by one of my drones) and somehow people are going to return these things? If they don't, Pepe' will have to break their legs. But really, is this more convenient than going to Hollywood Video or Blockbuster? No matter, money will come regardless!

If you too are interested in the exciting business of owning a machine that takes money from people, contact Global Link. They have a helpful website filled with confusing words and charts depicting nonsense! It's like the website says: "Global Link was launched in 1996 with a simple and yet challenging vision: to look at the world from the desktop of the buy-side and to create efficiencies through the intelligent application of technology to real-world business needs for information, liquidity access, and workflow improvements. In short, the mission is to deliver one 'window' through which the buy-side can access unique fact-based research and trade any asset class, anywhere, with anyone. In close collaboration with our clients, we are progressively delivering each stage of our vision."

Hell yes. Hell yes...