The Shortest War in History

My brother has been feeding me these ridiculous-but-true facts all day now (I am guessing he was literally saving them for a rainy day)... and there was one that really stuck out in my mind. That of the British-Zanzibar War, the shortest war in history. So I decided to google this so-called war to find out more about it. What I found was an intriguing journal entry written by the incredibly mysterious Sultan of Zanzibar. What follows is a series of fateful entries written on the day of the war.

August 22, 6am

Dearest Journal, today I have been appointed the SULTAN of ZANZIBAR! How sweet is that? Of course, given the circumstances of my appointment, I must take this job with merely a grin instead of a full-blown crescent moon smile. My father, the long-time Sultan Tad Storkensburg, died last night of irritable bowel syndrome. I think there was something in his Zanzibarian Burger that really disagreed with him. Alas, I mourn my father's gruesome and disgusting death, and I welcome my new title of Sultan! It's so much cooler than "Saltine."

My first act as Sultan is to stand up to those awful Brits. The Brits and the Germans have been fighting over my island for years now, and I'm damn sick and tired of it. The Brits keep wanting this island so they can move into Africa, the Germans want this island so they can put a Volkswagon factory on it. Zanzibar is my homeland, as obscure and ridiculous as that sounds, and I will not let it slip into the hands of the straightbacks from the north! So, after speaking with Germany, they've decided to back me up as I stand up to the Brits. My dad had good relations with those limey bastards for years, but now that he's out of the way I'm gonna kick some ass!

August 22, 1896 9am

Dearest journal, I just declared war on the Brits. I know what you're thinking... I'm in office for three hours and I already declared war on the biggest nation in the world. Maybe I was a little hasty, but I stand by my decision. I declared war about twenty minutes ago, and I'm ready for whatever they are going to throw at me! I have 2,500 Arab troops ready and willing to be slaughtered for the well-being of Zanzibar. I also have this really boss gold cannon from 1658. Back in the day, I hear, we used to use this cannon for everything... we even fought off the Egyptians or something. But ever since then it's been sitting in front of the Zanzibarian Court House just collecting dust. I also got this sweet old ship... it's like a wooden viking boat. Only it's not a viking boat because vikings didn't come down here... often.

August 22, 1896 9:05am

Dear J-Dog, The British are pretty much surrounding the island with their large-ass ships. Any normal Sultan would be thinking he had made a mistake, but I know I'm doing the right thing. I will be the Sultan to end all Sultans! Let it be known that Reggie Storkensburg, The Sultan of Zanzibar, was the most courageous leader ever. With the exception of Jesus. Anyways, right now we are sort of waiting... my troops are just sitting on the beaches playing card games and volleyball and the British keep cocking their rifles at us. I hope something happens pretty soon, I have a tennis date with the Czar of Uberbeckingstand at noon. Did I spell his country right? Oh well, no one's gonna read this anyways.

August 22, 1896 9:15am

Shit! Snap! Dag! Holy flaming crap! The Brits have decided to start shooting cannon balls at my island! One shot took out 500 of my troops, who were in the middle of a round robin volleyball tournament on the north shore! I have decided to bring out my golden cannon, which I have named "Fat Man." I have three cannon balls, which I have named "Little Boy." Those Brits are going to have some trouble coming there way as soon as Fat Man shoots the Little Boys!

August 22, 1896 9:25am

This isn't going at all like I had planned.

August 22, 1896 9:35am

Okay, okay, okay, all of my troops are dead. That's what I get for hiring all these Arabs to do the job... everyone knows Arabs can't swim! My viking ship has been totally destroyed, even worse they spray painted a giant space gun on the side of it before they set it on fire. Those British sure do know how to make you feel stupid. Although I must stay that they aren't nearly as polite as everyone thinks. Let's just hope my cannon holds out!

August 22, 1896 9:37am

Murphy's Law kicked in... my uber-boss cannon just burst into flames! It's made of gold, how did this happen?!

August 22, 1896 9:45am

Dear Journal, you are now looking at the former Sultan of Zanzibar... that's right. I gave up. I couldn't take it anymore! The Brits had me backed up against the wall here. And so after 45 minutes of being pummeled by these jerks, I gave up. I kinda forgot that my population consisted of just 2,500 Arabs, and since they were all dead now... I figured I might as well cut my losses and live to rule another day. Luckily, my sausage-welding friends from Middle Europe, let me stay at their consulate. Those Germans are alright, ya know? I mean, they really know what they are doing, and I wouldn't be surprised if they really make a difference in the world. I'd stake my Sultan reputation on it.

Anyways, goodbye my lovely journal... the Germans won't allow me to bring this into the consulate, so I must leave it on this board and float it out to sea. Maybe someday those Brits will find it and see all of the stuff I said about em. Won't they feel bad!

-33-

Wow. That Sultan was a cool dude.