Uncanny

Those of you who keep up with the news - I know you're out there somewhere - will most likely remember the big story about the Super Strong Mutant German Boy a few weeks back. For those of you who only get your news from 'Entertainment Tonight' - I know you're out there everywhere - allow me to enlighten you. It was recently revealed that a boy in Germany (I want to say he's currently 5 years old) was born with a genetic mutation - yes, I said genetic mutation - which has caused him to grow muscles at a prodigious, unnatural rate. He can already lift more weight than some full grown adults. He could probably lift two Mary-Kate Olsens straight over his head, but only one and a half Ashley Olsens. So, the Super Strong Mutant Boy - who I will from this point on refer to as SSMG boy, or better yet, as SSMuG Boy, or even better still, smug boy - being a true genetic freak, was paraded around the news for attention.

Now that a few weeks have gone by and most of the news has moved on to new stories, something about smug boy still bothers me. No, it's not that there's a five year old out there who can kick my ass. I've been getting my ass kicked by five year olds for years. It no longer bothers me. What bothers me is how the whole thing was covered. It was seen as a medical, scientific miracle. Something to be studied. Maybe this boy's DNA could unlock keys to healing those with debilitating diseases, or lead to a safer alternative to steroid therapy. While this is all good and wonderful, I can't help thinking the news media has missed the main story. This kid is a genetic mutant - a MUTANT. Doesn't anyone understand what this means? The age of the X-Men could very well be upon us. This kid could be a member of the first generation of genuine, real super heroes and super villains. Smug boy's a German so, obviously, he's destined to be a super villain.

This is huge, and the news media completely dropped the ball. We could be heading toward a war of humans vs. Mutants, or humans and good mutants vs. evil mutants, or good humans/mutants vs. evil humans/mutants, or, most frightening yet, everybody vs. evil shepherds. This could be the most dynamic time in human history as super powerful mutants with a proclivity toward spandex rise to power.

Still, I don't want to rush to any judgment. That's why I didn't write this post weeks ago when the story was fresh. I needed to take some time and see if I could confirm my suspicions. If the age of the X-men is truly upon us, then other mutants must be out there within a generation or two of smug boy. Surely, at least some of these people are already adults and have used their powers to move into a position of power and fame. All I need is to use my keen power of perception and my television remote to weed them out.

I want everyone to sit down. It is time for me to announce my findings. After days of study including extensive reading, monitoring of television broadcast, and three square meals a day, I have determined that the age of the mutant is indeed upon us. In fact, it is much more extensive than I first suspected.

My first tip was Ken Jennings. Ken Jennings, for those of you not in the know, is the man who has been Jeopardy champion for almost 30 days. I've been monitoring him with much interest. He is almost unbeatable. His trivial knowledge and thumb reflexes are clearly superior to the average man's. Clearly, Ken Jennings is a mutant who was born with an abnormally large Trivial Cortex - the part of your brain set aside for facts on the court of King Edward II and other such tid bits - as well as genetically advanced thumbflexes - sorry about the technical terminology; it's unavoidable. So, now the only remaining question is whether or not Ken Jennings is a super hero or a super villain. Let's look at the facts: ken Jennings is Super intelligent, kind of weasely looking, and Mormon. Clearly, he's a super villain.

Also, there's Saddam Hussein. He's been in the news a lot due to his trial in which he has exhibited mutant like abilities. In the face of a criminal court, with a possible death penalty in the mix, Saddam had the guts to defend his actions. He even claimed to still be the president of Iraq. Clearly, Saddam has been born with large - unnaturally, mutantly large - balls. Good thing we already have him in custody. Also, the whole genocidal mad man thing kind of indicates he just might be a super villain, not a super hero.

So, I found 3 mutants, then last night I hit the motherlode: VH1's 'I love the 90's'. I'm sure everyone's familiar with the the VH1 specials. You may think they're harmless or you may think they're annoying, but - after my discovery - everyone's going to find them terrifying. All the commentators on 'I love the 90's' are mutants. Every last one of them from the annoying guy from 'Talk Soup' to the annoying guy from 'Ed'. This is the first evidence I have found of a conglomerate of mutants. Not only are they all mutants, they're all mutants in the same way. They have all been born with the uncanny - that's right, uncanny - ability to maintain a career in entertainment with no discernible talent. Clearly, all these people were born with a genetically advanced Zsa Zsa gland - or what scientist often refer to today as the Keanu/Shore gland. This gland controls dumb luck and the ability to be on television with nothing to say. Most frightening of all, these celebrity mutants are all super villains. It's obvious. They don't have an airplane. All teams of super heroes have a tricked out plane. In absence of a plane, it becomes obvious that this mutant team is truly evil.

Finally, I feel the need to take a closer look at myself. What if I am a mutant? It's worth a look. Let's see. I'm not super strong. I have decent hearing, but not mutant hearing. I have bad eyesight. My sense of smell is average. I can't shoot any kind of laser from my eyes. When I touch other people the only thing that happens is I get slapped. After jumping off my garage I've confirmed that I can't fly. My bones do break. I'm balding. I'm unemployed. I live with my parents. I have no real drive to accomplish anything in my life... Oh, my god... I am a mutant. Can't you see? I've been born with a genetically superior apathymous. I have powers of apathy far beyond that of the average person. The best part, I'm not a super hero or a super villain. You actually have to care to be labeled either of those. I've been born with the only great power which does not come with great responsibility. I can live with that...I guess...whatever.

Shalom