Random Fortune Cookie Musings

Now, I'm sure that no one - not even members of my own family - cares about this, but I just want everyone to know that I have a particular soft spot in my heart and upon my palette for fortune cookies. Even though I can hear everyone yawning at their computer monitors, I am going to proceed to praise the fortune cookie. I know it's an odd, not too mention a rather random thing to write about - especially considering that I haven't had Chinese in quite some time. I just like fortune cookies. I like the idea of a food that really says something. I like breaking things open only to find a special surprise. That's wonderful reinforcement for many of my more destructive desires. As a matter of fact I wish more things were like fortune cookies, and could be destroyed only to gather some greater wisdom. Wouldn't it be wonderful if Ming vases or Faberge eggs also contained notes or prizes inside. Wouldn't you just love to smash a priceless work of art to the ground only to find a little slip of paper with a message which automatically becomes hilarious once the words 'in bed' are amended to it?

More than just the hidden prize qualities of fortune cookies, I actually really like their taste. I don't think enough people really think about eating fortune cookies. Everyone gets caught up in the breaking and reading, the actually eating of the fortune cookie often becomes a secondary concern. Eating the cookie is seen more as a neat way to dispose of refuse than something to be truly enjoyed. But next time you break apart one of these culinary mystery boxes, I want you too actually pay attention to eating it. I want you to enjoy the crunch, savor the delicate flavor. For me, this flavor will be forever linked to the late evening Chinese food that would be delivered in the college dorm. It's just wonderful.

Despite all of this, there is, alas, one thing which can ruin the whole fortune cookie experience: not getting a fortune. You may know what I am talking about. Sometimes you don't get a true fortune. Sometimes instead of getting a real fortune, a glimpse into your future - something like, 'You will undertake a great journey' - you get a piece of advice, a goofy aphorism - such as, 'A man of wisdom is of great value'. Personally, I don't want to be lectured by my fortune cookies. I don't want to learn great life lessons. I want to know what's going to happen. I want a real fortune.

Sadly, I fear these aphorisms are becoming more and more prevalent in fortune cookies. They are watering down the whole fortune cookie experience. They take away all the mystery of fortune cookies. They turn magic into morality lessons. Plus, they really suck for adding 'in bed'. In short, the aphorism fortune cookie message must be stopped. It's time for some one with a bold vision to step up to the fortune cookie plate and put an end to this madness. That's right, you guessed it, I want to write fortune cookie messages.

While this may seem like a fairly easy task. 'Any one,' you may say to yourself 'can write vague generalizations about the future.' That is why I do not plan to be vague. I am going to be deadly specific. I feel this is a fantastic way to combat the growing wishy-washiness of the current fortune cookie environment. I also think they're much funnier this way. So now, without further ado, I present you with some of my test fortune cookie fortunes.

'You are not going to score with your current date'

'Before midnight of this coming Tuesday you will find a priceless jewel in the restroom of a Greyhound station'

'You will be shot in the back of the head at a 7-11 while buying milk which is one day away from expiring'

'You will cut your toe-nails on Thursday, 10-ish, when you want to wear sandals but realize that you have disgusting toe-nails'

'Look to your left, look to your right. The person who's going to give you herpes is certainly in sight'

'You will call off work because you get really caught up in a lame VH1 countdown show. You will vehemently deny this, but your cover will be blown when accidentally mention that you think "The Final Countdown" by Europe is actually a rocking song despite it's place on the worst songs of all time list'

'The Canadian government will bug your phones and follow your every step simply because they can and they know no one is going to believe you'

'Suddenly, at the age of 78, you will realize that your whole life has been nothing but a sham. You have denied your dreams for too long, but now you are going to finally follow your dreams of becoming a world-renown tap dancer. You will follow your dreams by enrolling in a Performing Arts high school much like the one in the film Fame. While there you will fall in love with an instructor. However, knowing that your love is illicit and can never come to fruition, you sublimate all your feelings into your dancing. You dance like you've never danced before, because you haven't. Finally, on the day of the big all school talent show, you confess your feelings to the instructor. The instructor admits that he/she shares your feelings. With your heart full of requited love, you go on to give the most astounding performance the school has ever seen. After all the school has never seen a 78 year old freshman. After the talent show, a Broadway scout approaches you and offers you a part in the chorus in an upcoming big, Broadway musical. You accept. On the eve of the musicals big opening, the star breaks his/her leg. The crusty, but lovable, director chooses you from among the chorus to fill in. You succeed brilliantly. All the reviews gush about you. That evening you will die quietly in your sleep in bed.'

Now, that's what I call a fortune.

Shalom