Phone Tag with Spencer

Dream Phone is a lusty game of infinite intrigue. Crafted in the mountains of Tibet by monks that understood the secret behind girls ages 4-12, Dream Phone is a glimmer of hope that rests inside all girls. The object of the game is simple, call one out of the 25 boys featured in the game and listen to the clue he gives you. It is through these clues that you must eventually figure out who has a crush on you.

However, this is no easy task! First of all, these dudes all have a weird aura about them. Any one of them could be a character in Saved by the Bell, but almost all of them look like rapists and child molesters. Everyone you call seems to know the guy who has a crush on you, and they know the guy inside and out. Every facet of this mystery man’s personality is shared by them, and there is never any contradiction. “He will eat almost anything… except ice cream,” “He loves to play sports… except volleyball.” “He looks good in everything he wears… but he doesn’t wear anything yellow.” Why are these guys telling me this?! And without any prompting or nagging on my behalf. No matter who you are, when you call them they are there ready to hand out clues about their best friend.

I don’t even think my buddies could agree on things about me, if I ever did have a crush on someone and that someone began making random phone calls. (I know that’s a stretch, but this is the setup of the entire game!) They would call all of my 25 buddies (buddies who always hang out in the same places every day) and ask them questions about their secret admirer. My friends wouldn't know what the hell to say. "Uh, he likes all kinds of sports... except sports. Man he hates sports" or "He often tells off color jokes," or "Wait... doesn't Mike like hockey? Crap, I'm not supposed to say his name. Oh who cares, you don't want to go out with this guy anyways."

What I don't understand is how the game actually works. I mean, I've played it before... so I kind of grasp it's vague Clue-like rules. But the giant pink phone is what boggles my mind. You dial these numbers in there, and then this Stephen Hawkin-esque voice replies with the clues. How does it know what clues to tell me?! What if one of the boys decides to be a total tool and tell me a clue to throw me off, one that doesn't even apply to my secret admirer. I suspected that the phone was in actuality a real phone, which called to these real boys who are still sitting around on the Milton Bradley payroll just answering the phones. They were very busy back in 1991, but now it's just when punks like me decide to have a little fun.

The game is rife with stereotypes... even if they are of the Saved by the Bell sort. The majority of the dudes are white, there are only three blacks, two Asians and a Mexican. Sounds like a setup for a joke. And of course amongst the white guys, there are nerds (with names like "Spencer" and "Bruce"), there are "metrosexual" guys (of course that wasn't a term back in the day), and there are total hunks with flowing hair and cheesy smiles.

While I played this game with others, there is the option to play by yourself. That's right, you could sit in your room all by yourself and call these robotic man-hunks of the 90's. Is there anything more pathetic than that? Why not just pull out a phone book and start calling random people, asking them for clues about your secret admirer. At least them you'd get a little variety.

Oh well... it's a classic piece of 90's culture. Right next to Mall Madness and Double Dare the Home Edition. You can't ignore this piece of history, let's just hope it never repeats itself.