From Communism to Christianity, with copious amounts of butt-kicking

While perusing NewsMax the other day, I noticed something fierce blinking rapidly at the top left of the window. Unable to focus on the article I was reading (it was either about John Kerry's hotel room demands or baby seals fighting back in Canada... my memory was instantly erased), I clicked the link. That's what you're supposed to do online when something is blinking at you: you click it.

I never expected to enter into the world that I did. In big bold letters across the top of the page, it read: 1000 year-old Christian fighting system revealed! What followed was a crazed gaggle of paragraphs with random sentences highlighted, and other random sentences centered in blue. It was like buying a used text book from a mental institution. But, after using every last ounce of strength I discovered the following:

There is a Russian/Christian Orthodox method of disarming someone that is vicious, fast, and used by some super-secret group of soldiers called SPETSNAZ.

This is clearly an amazing website... so I've taken it upon myself to pull some quotes that the webmaster has highlighted or boldened in hopes that you will go and immediately sign up to become a killing machine.

[I'm not altering any of the spelling or capitalization, just so you understand the awesomeness.]

• This Ancient Russian Military System Is The Key To Dominating Without Fear... Without Anger... And (Most Important), With a Simple "Moral Psychology" That'll Make YOU Unbeatable!
• Well guess what? Vlad has finally released his "next level" in Russian fighting
• I'll admit, this "Russian Disarming" fighting style looks weird
• The "Power Base" Comes From LOVE.
• This Is NOT A "Hug Your Attacker" Program Or Some Religious Lecture.
• Of all the people on earth, it's the Russians who understand the triumph of love for family and country over hatred and evil.
• And let's not forget about Hitler.
• 20 million!
• When Good People Fight Back Without Fear... They WIN.
• And trust me... there's plenty of goons walking the streets right now who — if you stood by and did nothing — would gladly rape, kill, and destroy everything you hold dear, then sit down for a hot meal without giving you or your family a second thought.
• "loose-body" techniques
• Try And Cut A Rope Without Pulling It Tight.
• And the vicious natural "whipping" motion of your arms and legs makes stripping away any weapon as easy as taking candy from a baby.
• "brain freeze"
• devastating "slap-shots"
• You'll swear you're watching "The 3 Stooges".
• Russian "dirty tricks"
• smooth-as-silk "psychic core"
• These fighting secrets are so savage, no one can stand against them
• YOU!
• There Is One "Catch".

Are you as speechless as I am?

I thought so.