somebody sh*t on my front step

A friend of mine is in the beginning stages of a relationship, the part where everything is magical and great and you still notice little things (like how they bite their lip or check the mirrors when they drive, not the little things like how freaking loudly they chew.) The woman my friend is interested in actually poetically noted the "angle of his jaw" or something sweet like that in a post bursting with the iambic energy of a blogger in love.

The same day I read that I received an email from my friend who is 5 months pregnant and couldnt be more excited. All the lovely details were shared ("the ultrasound showed him kicking and flipping all over the place") and I am unspeakably happy for her.

Now, onto my day: somebody sh*t on my front step.

No, I am not making this up. Yes, it was most definitely human feces, unless bears poop unnoticed through the streets of Pittsburgh, although in commercials bears politely use toilet paper that hangs on branches. But you know I never saw a bear's excrement and could not attest to its similarity (or dissimilarity) to that of a human so this bear theory could be even more radical.

I will remind the reader: somebody sh*t on my front step.

We live above a chiropractor's office-- you walk through the chiropractor's waiting room to get to the apartment. To get into the building, you have to walk up a handicap ramp (unless you're handicap) then you are on the porch. You walk up on step to get in the door.

It was on this very step. Now, I have considered the possibility that it was thrown. However, it was perfectly in tact, no splat factor, and there was no residue on the door, which is to say, it couldn't really have bounced off.

I had been outside earlier and it wasn't there, so it happened while i was in the building. I do not take this as a personal insult, and have considered that perhaps Dr. Smith downstairs relaxed a patient just so. I have considered it could be a sign of good luck. Perhaps, it just missed me and like the lost dog in that movie where Michael J. Fox was his voice, found its way back. I will not go into that theory.

When I left for work, I just kinda looked at it more, stepped over it, and left. Irresponsible. I should have done something to clean it up, but I didn't. It was gone by time we came home a few hours later. So, perhaps I should approach more of my life's perplexing issues like I did today: assess situation, make a story, emit sounds like "heh," completely side-step a solution, and wait for someone else to clean it up. It worked today, when somebody sh*t on my front step. I learned a lot from the sh*tt*ng someone did on my front step. The extra asterisk there was extravagant.

Reader, I hope someone sh*ts on your front step. It just might do you good. And it just might be me.