What's Oblong?

Buy an oblong tablecloth. That's your mission, if you choose to accept it. You do, of course, because everyone always does, and suddenly your chest tightens up and spots flood your retinas as you realize that you have no clue what "oblong" means. What the heck could an oblong tablecloth look like? An oval, right? Or wait, is it a rectangle?

If you look up the word "oblong" in the Oxford American Dictionary, it gives you both! Ob•long, adj. "having an elongated shape, as a rectangle or an oval." Thanks Oxford, thanks a hell of a lot! "Oxford American" doesn't make any sense to begin with, so why should I trust the definitions they give me. The mystery continues as I take on the role of Zogby or Gallop...

"What shape is oblong?" I ask. "A rectangle," she replies.
"What shape is oblong?" I ask another. "An oval, of course," he replies.

Oval or rectangle, oblong is driving me around in circles! Which table clothe should you buy? If you have a round table, and you buy a rectangular clothe, you'll be doltish! If you buy an oval tablecloth and you have a long rectangular table, you might as well be a turkish troglodyte! But you can't just make a guess and go with it... or open it up, find that its the wrong one, and then pretend that it isn't. Why, then everyone will think you mad! Here you are assuring everyone its an oval tablecloth, when it clearly has four corners. Or even worse, you decide to take matters into your own hands and cut off the corners... but this just results in a raged table cloth only fit for the table of Eddie Vedder. Modern Man doesn't live like this! We are civilized people who should know how to properly label things... we should know the definition of oblong!

I find myself at a cross-roads. Just like in every episode of Mission:Impossible, you don't know who to believe. Who is wearing a mask and who is an expert at vehicle operation? Does oblong mean rectangle or oval? But perhaps that's not the question we should be asking ourselves. It doesn't matter what the definition says, it matters what the tablecloth company holds as THEIR definition! Everything is relative, even outside of West Virginia, and all that matters if what this company has decided for its labeling system. If you buy a package that says "oblong" you will get just that. At least if it's not what you were asked to get, you can show whomever demanded this of you the package. Rub it in their face, hurting their nose, exclaiming, "THIS IS WHAT YOU REDUCED ME TO!"

I can just feel the urge to march into that tablecloth company's office and demand an explanation. That's when they would just point to the wall behind the front desk. On the wall would be their definition of oblong... but it's not that simple. No, I'm sure those saucy bastards change the definition every time we turn our backs, and yet we believe everything it says, like the cows and pigs on the farm. You are at the will and mercy of this company, and you will never know the complete truth until you open up the package. You might as well buy two, if you have the money, and pray to God that one of them is the correct tablecloth. While some may call for an independent investigation (which means a costly, time consuming report that will solve very little if anything) of the word oblong, I merely say we call it out. Call Webster, Roget, Oxford and the like and demand that they choose. Does this adjective mean elongated circle or square? You have to choose just one and you can't flip or flop! Just choose!

And of course they won't... because they're like that.

So you get the tablecloth... you give up and you just pick one. There's no use getting more gray hairs over the whole ordeal. Just do it like a band-aid, nice and quick with very little pain. You pick a package that reads "Oblong" and you bring it home. You could spend the evening debating the definition of the word with your family, or you could just find out the definition by tearing open the plastic and pulling out the blood-red cloth contained within. Everyone in the family gathers around, each grabbing an end and stretching it out to fill the dining room. Well? Well? Well... it's a rectangle. A rectangle will work just fine.

Everyone responds with a one-was-interested-but-now-satisified, "Huh."