Thank You Epstein-Barr

My Spring semester, a semester that was widely regarded as a success, ended on a less than high note for me. I am known to many as a very healthy person, not necessarily physically active but healthy nonetheless. However after being sick and worn down for the two weeks leading up to finals, I took matters into my own hands and went to the doctor.

I had somehow contracted mono, and at the worst possible time... what follows is a chronicle of what I've been through thus far.

The Two Week Illness - Before I Went to the Doctors
During the end of April, I started to get sick. Of course, I tried my best to deny it. I had managed to go all semester without catching anything, all after Puff, Jon, Mic, Athena, and others had been ill. I was usually very good at that sort of thing; managing to avoid sickness' evil grasp when he was all around me. But I couldn't last forever, it was bound to happen, and I was forced to admit it... something was wrong.

It began with a casual sore throat and a chronic headache. Every once in a while I would get a fever or be attacked by a cavalcade of shakes. I decided to take care of business and go to SHU's Wellness Center. After crawling up five floors, the nurse (who was very friendly, if a bit condescending) told me "You have what everyone else has." If this were true, the entire campus would look like pieces in one of those electric football games, shaking around and bumping into one another. But I took her advice, and her Tylenol.

But, after two weeks, and a second visit to the Wellness Center, I knew I had to take things to the next level.

The Doctor Is In
I made an appointment with Premier Health in Latrobe, out near the Mountain View Inn. This is the very doctor Puff had visited not a month earlier when he was attacked by a flock of seagulls (or some sort of viral infection).

The morning of my appointment, Thursday May 5, I was feeling the worst I had all year... and I had to take my Christian Scriptures final (which I was unable to properly study for, thanks to copious amounts of shivering and headaches). On top of all this, this Thursday was also a holy day of obligation, so I had to fight through dizziness and weakness to get to St. Joseph's for mass. I'm sure the folks there in Church, which included many faculty, administration, and fellow students, thought I was hung over or coked out of my mind. But I give my kudos to Monsignor Rubino (no relation) for keeping things speedy, so I could meander down to the parking lot by the Music Department, where Puff had kindly parked my car. And so I set out on my own to this doctor's office, it would be the first time I have made this kind of journey without the loving aura of my parents.

When I got to the doctor's I filled out the necessary paperwork, sat and read an issue of The Economist, and within fifteen minutes, was called in for my check-up. First the nurse came in and said to me, "So tell me, what's wrong with you?" and I laughed and replied, "Alot of things." She told me to clarify with some symptoms and I went through the list of everything that had been ailing me for the past two weeks. After that, she called in the doctor who "checked me out," if you know what I mean. That's when she said the dreaded words, "We are going to have to take a blood sample." Something was telling me that this was going to be more than the prick I got when I get my cholesterol checked at the pharmacy.

I was led into a second room and forced to sit in a chair reminiscent of a school desk. A large, burly woman claiming to be a nurse came in, filling most of the room, and laughed a deep, vicious cackle as she pulled out a 6-inch needle from a rusty bucket. She handed me a tourniquet and said, "You look like you know how to use one of these." I did my best John McClain impression, and pulled the leather strap tight with my teeth. That's when she looked deep into my eyes and said, "Get ready for a shit storm." She plunged the need deep into my vein and I shut my eyes and bit my lip. She was laughing, in a higher pitch than before, and when I opened my eyes I saw that she had filled three tubes with my sweet "life oil." The nurse squeezed out of the room muttering, "Go back into your examination room and sit down."

Okay, maybe it wasn't that bad.

But after about fifteen minutes of waiting, the nurse came in with the news, "You have mono!" She handed me a balloon, tooted a little noise-maker, and then promptly took out a pin and popped the balloon. I walked out of the office, head down, depressed about the news I had just received. But at least I got two things out of my visit: a prescription for penicillin (to avoid the possibility of getting strep throat) and an excuse to get out of classes for the day.

Mono: A Brief Overview
For those of you who don't know what Mono is... let me explain. It is known to most ignorant people as "The Kissing Disease." This, of course, makes anyone who has it appear to be a whore or a gameshow host. But, this isn't a proper representation of how the disease is actually spread. I certainly didn't get it through kissing (I more than likely caught it from my roommate Jon, or from just general overwork). But the disease is actually spread through saliva and mucus. So you could really call it the "Blowing Your Nose Into Someone's Mouth/Licking Someone's Eye/Sticking Your Tongue In Someone's Ear/Sneezing on Someone Else' Tongue/Pouring a Cup of Your Spit into Someone's Coffee" Disease. That's a little more fitting.

Mono is a condition caused by the Epstein-Barr virus. You can contract this virus by visiting the Epstein-Barr during Happy Hour every Wednesday night at 9:00. Quarter drafts and free pretzels for the kids! Once you contract mono, the Epstein-Barr virus will always be in side of your body, but you aren't likely to catch "mono" ever again. It's sort of like chicken pox or being audited.

The main symptoms of mono are fatigue, headache, fever, sore throat, and the urge to run for local magistrate. There aren't really any prescription medications to treat mono itself, you can only treat the symptoms as they come and go. Most importantly, you are contagious for like 6 months, so pretty much everyone around you is screwed.

The Road to Recovery
I spend a majority of the day, as well as most of the weekend, either in bed or sitting in a chair. I tried to rest as best as I could, especially knowing that I would have a weekend full of play practice and performance. But the doctor did give me penicillin, which made me feel much better by Saturday afternoon. On Sunday, aside from my cough, I had totally forgotten about my virus... I appeared to be on the road to a quick recovery!

Or maybe not... I got through all of my finals with flying colors, and went into Wednesday (my last day of work) feeling strong and ready to fight off a dozen Nazis. That evening, I had a great time going to Red Robin, the Mall, Barnes and Nobles and watching another iteration of Dawn of the Dead. Karissa and I even packed half of my stuff into my car! I went to sleep that night thinking everything was going to be okay.

Then I woke up looking like a red Jackson Pollack painting. I was covered in a terrible rash! How? How did this terrible, humiliating injustice occur? Well, it turns out that 90% of people who have mono and take penicillin, get a rash. It's sort of final proof that you indeed have mono. Great. They couldn't just send me a note on official letterhead, they had to give me a rash. I was branded with the Scarlet Letter... only it was written by a kindergartner all over my upper torso.

Such a constant reminder of my illness, of course, brought back many of the symptoms that I had overcome. And this brings me to today. The rash is slowly leaving, but also making me very very itchy. And scratchy. I will have the entire week to rest up for the following weekend: the premier of the newest Cellar Dweller show.

A Few Words of Wisdom
If I can impart a few tips about mono, here they are:
• Don't take penicillin, or don't take more than 5 days worth.
• Don't get blood drawn without a loving hand to hold... or a gun.
• And be very skeptical about where your blood goes, because vampires are always lurking around in doctor's offices.
• Peter O'Toole's make-up in the film version of "Man of LaMancha" is really fake.
• Always plan to get mono when you have alot of work and unpacking to do... because then you can put it off without anyone really getting angry.
• Be careful who's tongue you sneeze onto.