Commencement

Good afternoon Class of 2005. Please everyone take your seats. I know most of you have never been in the presence of a person of my stature, but please hold your applause for the end. First, just let me congratulate all of you for successfully completing your studies - well, let me congratulate every one but that guy in the third row who seems to think it's hilarious to wear a funny hat instead of his mortar board. Ok, buddy we get it you. You're an individual, a free spirit, and you can't be confined by 'the man's' rules, but really, you might as well be wearing a douche bag sign. Oh yeah, and good luck getting a job with your art degree. Tool.

Anyway, I did not come here to pick out a single student for derision. I came here to commend you lovely students. After all, college is hard. I know when I was in school I would often spend up to three hours a day in class. I would follow this up with a nap and watching bad sitcoms on ABC Family. Then I'd eat something and then spend some time hanging out on the quad throwing a frisbee. Then I would do some school work during the commercial breaks of Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. Then of course came another quick nap followed by a night of drinking. It was absolute hell. God, I was so relieved to finally escape that mind numbing drudgery, and enter the warm, welcoming embrace of the real world where I could look forward to the relaxing, happy realities of bills, responsibility, and the 8 hour work day.

Clearly, you guys have quite a future ahead of you. Just let me give you all a taste of what the coming years hold for you. Your first apartment will be small, cramped, and smell vaguely of cool ranch doritos. Unless of course you're receiving a liberal arts degree today, at which point your first apartment will look a lot like your parents' basement. Your first job will probably have nothing to do with your major. There's even a good chance your first job will require nothing from you but a GED and a hairnet. Liberal arts kids, I'm looking at you again.

Also, remember, if you haven't found love yet, your going to die lonely. It's so much harder meeting people in the real world.

You know they make you wear black for a reason. Today marks the death of your childhood. Now you are going to have to actually answer for your selves, except of course for the smart Liberal Arts kids who are going to grad school. Remember you can effectively remain emotionally arrested at this level if you manage to never actually leave school.

So, in conclusion, I hope you really enjoyed the past 4 to 8 years of your life. I really do, because you're going to be paying for it for the next 10 to 20 years depending on what kind of deferment you have available. Oh, and you...parking lot...right after the ceremony. I'll smack that hat right off your head.

Shalom