The Truth About Old People

One of the more interesting aspects of my move back to Beaver County this past fall is that I now live very close - about a 3 minute drive tops - from my grandmother. This compounded with my current unemployment - that's right another unemployed Cellar Dweller, it's now a trend - makes me the defacto family errand boy for my grandmother. Whenever she needs anything, I'm the first person she calls, and, trust me on this one, my grandmother needs a lot of help. She's old, she's in poor health, and even small things become Herculean tasks. So, it's not uncommon for me to get phone calls such as: "James, I need to carry laundry down to the basement," or "James, could you come over and move the dining room chairs so I can vacuum?" Of course this can become very trying for me. I am happy that I can help my grandmother and I would never refuse her, still as virile young man these seemingly mundane tasks are dull. Plus they are often made duller and slower because my grandmother needs to make sure I do everything 'her way' which means she hovers over me step by step telling me what to do, forcing me to do everything at her pace. Even though I am perfectly capable of, say, taking a bunch of boxes into the basement quite quickly on my own, she has to follow me and make sure I put the boxes exactly where she wants them.

Not that there are no pluses to this. I do get the satisfaction of knowing I am helping an elderly relative. When I tell chicks that I spend a lot of time helping my grandmother, they think I am sweet and sensitive - and I will not dissuade them from this delusion. Also, I have a new and fun perspective on old people. Not just of my grandmother, but of old people in general. This is because whenever my grandmother takes me out for lunch - maybe twice a week - we usually end up going to places frequented by old people. So I have been able to make a few interesting observations.

For instance, every old person must reach a point where fashion doesn't matter any more. And at this point they simply keep the style they have at that moment. Seriously, look around at the elderly people you know. Have you ever noticed how a lot of them - the men in particular - still have clothes reminiscent of the 70's - loud pants, wide lapel jackets, wide ties. It's as if an entire generation at once said "Screw fashion. We're getting old. I'm tired of trying to keep up with young people. I'm sticking with the clothes I've got, no matter how dumb I'm going to look in the future." So, now we're stuck with old people stalking salad bars at 4:30 in plaid pants, flared pants, and ties which look like sails for a schooner.

Now, this brings up a very interesting question for to me. What will my generation be wearing when we get old? Will we naturally revert to the old people fashions of our old people forebears, or will we have our very own old people fashions? I like to think we'll have our own. That at some time in the future, when my generation starts pushing 55-60, we'll also give up and just keep whatever style of clothes we have going at the time. And who knows what we'll look like? Maybe some people will still be trying to wear hip hop clothes. This could be hilarious, especially the white 75 year old posers with FUBU and baggy jeans hanging around their thighs revealing their Depends. Or maybe some of us will still be dressing like punks. Tight T-shirts for bands that our grandkids will think are lame no matter how cool they may seem now. Maybe these geriatric punk wannabes will still be wearing dumb wrist bands and studded clothing. Sure, we'll look dumb and we'll probably even know it, but we just won't care. Because we'll be old and we won't have the energy to care anymore.

That's another fun thing about old people. They don't care anymore, because they've already seen so much, done so much, and don't have time to care anymore. There are some rules of society which my grandmother simply refuses to abide by, because she's old, she doesn't have time to do things right, and she knows people will let her slide because she's old. For instance, the 12 item or less express lane at Wal-Mart means nothing to her. I've been with her - and I go to the store with her a lot - when she has almost a hundred dollars worth of groceries and she goes straight for the express lane. She doesn't care because she's so old she doesn't have time for the regular lines, and no one ever calls her on it because she's old and no one wants to call an old person on this sort of thing. The major problem is that I am usually the one stuck emptying the cart which means I get all the evil stares from people held up behind us - my grandmother is often out of sight because she rides in the store electric carts and is a little below the line of sight for most people behind us.

Also, old people are not good tippers. This is a fact I am sure anyone who has ever waited tables will attest to. It's not that old people are mean - they are often very kind and sweet. It is not that they are cheap - my grandmother is always willing to spring for meals for me among other things. The reason they are bad tippers is they no longer have any idea what good tipping is. Much like with fashion, they're tipping is generally stuck at some point in the past when it was acceptable. My grandmother always leaves $2, no more, no less. It doesn't matter how much the bill is. It could be $10. It could be $50. There is no way there is going to be more than $2 on that table. I think this is partly due to the fact that my grandmother is old and no longer has the patience for math. Who has time to figure out 15-20%, when you have no idea when you are going to die? This is mainly due, I am sure, to the fact that my grandmother thinks $2 dollars is a very generous tip no matter what, and I am sure that at some point this may have been true. Now, a $2 tip for a $20 check seems a little, well, cheap. But my grandmother won't change. I've tried hinting at the idea. I've tried putting a little extra cash on the table for the waitress, but my grandmother scolds me. After all, she already put down two freaking dollars, and that's a GOOD tip.

These are only a few of the things I have observed. I'd go on, but I will begin to become redundant. The basic theme is that old people are old and don't care anymore. This leads to odd or amusing behaviour. I also hope that I have not sounded too rude or callous, because I have nothing against old people - or the elderly as I probably should have referred to them all along. I love my grandmother and am sincerely happy that I live close enough to help her. I am only pointing out things which I have culled from countless hours of observation. I don't want to anger old people because they deserve respect and they would surely think nothing of chasing me down in their Rascals, and beat me within an inch of my life with canes and false teeth. They won't think twice about doing this because they're old and they just don't care anymore.

Shalom