Ribbons for Every Occasion

About six months ago a few great people came up with the idea of selling magnetic ribbons honoring our armed forces in action across the world. All of the proceeds from these ribbons would be given to the armed forces to provide for the troops. The ribbons were a hit, and rightfully so, soon appearing on the majority of cars I see whizzing by me.

The ribbons covered all the major, and even not-so-major, branches of the armed forces. They also sported such phrases as "God Bless Our Troops" and "In God We Trust, " phrases that were being debated between secularists and traditionalists on Capitol Hill. All of these things were excellent, and beneficial to our troops. Then I started seeing these ribbons for P.O.W.s and men who were M.I.A. Okay, another worthy cause, if not necessarily what I would call the "natural progression of magnetic ribbon subjects." But over the last few weeks I've been seeing weirder and weirder ribbons, all trying to capitalize on an original, charitable idea. Some are for other diseases and causes, and others are for sports teams...

When I travel along the turnpike every weekend I see plenty of these ribbons. And since I've been looking at alot of them for the purposes of this blog entry, I usually have to speed up and drive really close to these cars to actually figure out what they are for. Recently, I've been surprised each time.

First are the "disease ribbons," all of which look very similar, at first glance, to the standard "Support our Troops" stuff. Upon closer examination I find ribbons for Ovarian Cancer, Heart Disease, AIDS, and Kidney stones. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the proceeds from these ribbons are going to support research for these diseases but this charitable bandwagon might be beginning to tip a little. Of course I was thinking this before I saw the "Early Detection Saves Lives" ribbon. Early detection of what? (Obviously they are talking about breast cancer, but I'm not sure if everyone knows this. Then again were they talking about Carbon Monoxide leaks?)

But by far the weirdest of all the disease ribbons, and possibly even a little offensive, was the Autism one. Not because it was for Autistic kids, but because the ribbon, instead of being a solid color, was made up of puzzle pieces. Huh? Puzzle pieces? Are they trying to say autistic kids like to put together puzzles, or that the disease in general is very puzzling? Either way it's ridiculous and goofy. Not to mention it takes forever to actually make out the words set on top of this jigsaw design.

Next comes another stupid, and utterly thoughtless category: "sports ribbons in disguise." The whole ribbon thing is a good idea because it's a cheap way to give folks a reason to donate money to a specific cause or charity. Even if you buy a goofy ribbon like "Autism Awareness" you are still supporting the research behind this puzzling condition. But recently there have been ribbons for sports teams, usually found on the side of large pick-up trucks or crummy Corsicas. Nothing like supporting the multi-million dollar-a-year charity like the Pittsburgh Steelers so they can continue researching how to build up the hopes of an entire city only to choke like Mama Kass at a sandwich luncheon. You can put Steelers (or any other sports team) crap on your car, but making it look like charity ribbons is a little sleazy.

To make matters worse, I also found a handful of ribbons that just said "Go Pittsburgh!" Not really in reference to any specific team, mind you, just the city in general. Hey Pittsburgh... go! I'd like one that said "Pittsburgh, Stop Chasing Away Small Businesses and Residents!" Now that's a charity I can get behind.

Finally, and perhaps the most pathetic, is the "blank ribbon" category. This category is exactly how it sounds. There is nothing there. I parked my car the other day, only to find that my neighbor had a yellow ribbon on her car. This ribbon had nothing written on it... I guess it could be for anything. But in reality I'm assuming it stands for nothing, she just wanted it on there so she could fit in with the other cars. And it was probably alot cheaper this way, since you don't really have to give money to an organization...

This whole ribbon thing is a fad, just like wearing ribbons on your jacket or a pennant on your car antennae. Soon people will think of other clever ways to raise money for good causes... and soon other people will figure out ways to rape and pillage those very good intentions to make a quick buck for themselves.