Curbing Suicide with Construction

Every year about three to five people try and kill themselves by jumping off of the Monaca/Rochester Bridge here in Beaver County. I'm not exactly sure why this happens... maybe it's poor family life, a dead-end financial situation, or the fact that they are bored out of their minds. But for whatever reason they try to end their lives--and usually fail at it. And so in order to put a stop to the suicidal madness that is plaguing the community (or at least slightly annoying it) Penn Dot put extra metal guardrails on top of the concrete rails that were already on the bridge. This created a nightmare of traffic for approximately eight months straight.

Of course, no one has actually come out and said the true purpose for adding these guard rails. For all I know it could be a Homeland Security measure, a new piece of money-wasting legislation from Rendell, or even a necessity to keep the bridge from collapsing. But for the time being, and for the sake of me having something to actually write about, we'll say they did it to stop bridge jumpers.

And so last Spring they shut down half of the bridge (long-ways) and put up fifty barrels that seemed dangerous restrictive. It was sort of a mystery as to what they were up to. There was nothing in the paper about construction, and there weren't any signs saying "Coming Soon: Olive Garden!" All I knew was that they were making rush hour in the hub of Beaver County even more of a living hell than once imagined.

The train of thought, as the months passed by, went something like this:
1. Oh, they must be repaving the bridge... that's cool except for the fact that it didn't have any potholes.
2. Perhaps this is to strengthen the bridge so it doesn't buckle under the massive load of resentment it holds for the towns surrounding it.
3. What are these guys even doing? There are more port-a-potties in this construction zone than there are workers!
4. Hey, they are re-making the concrete rails bigger.
5. Hey, they are adding steel rails on top of the concrete ones? That's superfluous! Superfluous I tell you!

After months and months of work, these determined little lemmings managed to put steel railing up. And I must congratulate them because no longer shall our towns be plagued by folks leaping to their death because they can't... climb... over foot high... rails? Wait, that's totally stupid! There has to be a better reason for putting these railings on because you have to be a little more than naive to think that's gonna stop people from leaping.

Guy1: Tom, I think I'm going to kill myself tomorrow.
Tom: How you gonna do it, dude?
Guy1: I'm gonna jump off the Rochester/Monaca Bridge and into the shit-brown Ohio River.
Tom: Whoa man, didn't you see the bridge?
Guy1: No?
Tom: They put up steel rails!
Guy1: Seriously? Oh well screw that. Wanna go to Arby's?
Tom: No, dude, I just ate.