Pakistani Partay

It is a well documented fact that I am a certified party animal. Really, I've got the certificate framed hanging above my bed. I could have received a certificate in air-conditioning repair, but I opted instead to study party animalism. I am convinced I made the right decision. Sure, air-conditioner repairs offers more money, but party animaling offers more...Well, more parties. So, as I was saying, I am a world renowned expert on attending and enjoying parties. As such, I am always looking for new, unique party opportunities. I am willing to attend almost any kind of party at least once. True, this has led me to find myself in many an unsavory position. For instance, I was once invited, informally of course, to a party which was being held in a man's pants, and, even though he claimed 'everyone's invited', I was the only one who actually accepted. Still, my party animalism has led me to many fine party experiences. For instance, just last night I found myself at a three year old Pakistani boy's birthday party.

Now, I know what everyone's thinking: 'But James, I thought you weren't allowed within fifty yards of any three year old boy. Aren't you a xenophobe? How'd you end up there?' I can, of course answer all of these. First, let me say that it was all a horrible understanding. Second, no, I love that warrior princess show. As to how I found my self in such unusual circumstances, please, continue reading.

Kate, my girlfriend - that's right, while I wasn't blogging I got a girlfriend, it happens - is very good friends with a Pakistani woman, Annie, and through Annie, is friends with several people in the greater Pittsburgh Pakistani community. So, now whenever Kate gets invited to a party, I get the defacto invite as well. It's what I like to call 'using my girlfriend to get me into places with a free buffet.'

Now, before I went to this party, Kate had several words of advice for me, most of which boiled down to, 'James, please, in the name of all that's good and holy, don't embarrass me in front of my friends.' Kate was very insistent that I do many things which are against my very nature, like chew with my mouth shut and not pick my nose. She also gave me a whole list of things not to say, such as: 'Your people started the crusades', 'I feel like I should be paying you for gas', or 'Kate, those pants make you look fat.'

There were more sayings, all of which would lead directly to my being single again, but thankfully I never even thought of saying any them. As soon as I arrived at the party - held at the wonderful India Garden in strip-mall-arific Monroeville - everyone was very nice to me. Even though Kate and I were the only white people at the party, no one made us feel unwelcome. Of course, a lot of people were speaking Urdu - a language whose name I cannot spell - so there could have been a lot of people saying stuff about us, such as: "What's up with the crackers? Didn't their people start the crusades?" Although, to be honest, I didn't care what they were saying, because there was free food. The food was great, if by great you mean delicious but oh-my-god-my-throat spicy.

The party had a very interesting feel. It was Pakistani party with almost all Pakistan people there, but it was a child's birthday, so it had a spongebob theme and a baskin robbins ice cream cake. I think it would qualify as multicultural. This is particularly true because of the sponge bob pinata. Here was a traditional Mexican party toy made up as an American pop culture figure at a Pakistani-American party. I know there's some kind of 'we can all get together' moral lesson there somewhere, although I can't quite put my finger on it. The pinata was also note worthy because it was a new fangled 'non-violent' pinata. Instead of beating it into submission with a wiffle ball bat, the children took turns pulling ribbons on Sponge Bob's rear. Once the proper ribbon was pulled, the children were greeted with a flow of candy from SpongeBob's butt. It looked like Sponge Bob was taking a delicious, parti-colored bowel movement. I like to think of it as Willy Wonka's revenge. Of course, the 'non-violent' nature of the pinata went completely out the window once Sponge Bob was cut down and, for some reason, all the kids surrounded him and started curb stomping him like he was a prison bitch who snitched to the warden. I swear at one point Sponge Bob had all his arms and legs ripped off and was being beat with them. It was wonderful. I wanted to get in on some of that sweet, Sponge Bob ass kicking action, but Kate wouldn't let me - although later on I did find the discarded pinata in a corner and kicked it one good in the face.

After dinner and cake, the party really moved in to high gear. It was time to dance. First, Kate's friend, Annie, sang a few songs. She did a great job. She even sang a song in English for Kate and me. It was 'Walk Like an Egyptian'. Annie didn't know all the words, so she substituted the words 'A-oh, A-ohhh' whenever possible - which is more or less how the Bangles wrote the song. Then DJ SharQ took over playing all the big Pakistani dance hits. He played what is called Desi, which is a mixture of western dance beats and traditional Pakistani and Indian elements. It rocked pretty hard. I actually heard the Bee-gees and the Knight Rider theme sampled with Urdu lyrics. It was pretty awesome and dance-tastic.

Well, eventually Kate and I got tired of dancing, and had to leave the party for our long drive home. But I have a wonderful time. It was a party I will remember for a long time. Maybe because it was unique. Maybe because I had such a good time. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll remember it because I stole Sponge Bob's leg and am keeping it on my desk.

Shalom