I Spell Family with "ABC"

Now that we have cable installed in our room, I can get back to the way of life that I began this summer. Of course this time around, some things are going to have to change a little... but with a little concessions and understanding, I can once again return to filling my day with hilarious, sentimental 90's family sitcoms courtesy of ABC Family. If there is one way to truly live a fulfilling life, I've found it. You must do more than watch these shows, you must learn from them.

Basing my entire schedule this school year around ABC Family seems to me like the wisest choice as a Sophomore. Where else can I get moral and social advice that would be extremely relative in 1992? By filling your day with these TGIF rejects, you get more moral lessons than if you went to every Christian church in town on a Sunday morning.

It all starts really at noon with an hour of Full House. A ridiculously cheesy sitcom involving three dudes, three girls, and a bunch of problem-filled throw-away characters that do nothing but allow the main stars to get in trouble. It's the show that started the Olsen Twin mega-franchise. It's also the show that created the now classic "Cut it out" hand gesture that I still enjoy employing today. What I don't understand is why Joey was there... he wasn't related to anyone, he was just this weird guy who walked around making funny voices. But regardless, it's a great way to start your day, and that precocious DeeJay Tanner is always showing me that it's okay to be slightly overweight if you've got a personality to back it up.

After Full House comes Family Matters... starring that cop from Die Hard and that annoying nerdy kid. I don't really like this show as much as the others. Especially when Erkle got that machine to make him cool, what the hell was that?!

A hour of Family Matters passes, and Step By Step busts on to the scene. It's basically just a rip of Full House, but with a mom. And what's worse is that it consists of a bunch of weird almost-out-of-work actors like Patrick Duffy (of Dallas fame) and Susan Sommers. Then there was that Codey dude, who was basically the Joey of the show. But Codey had to leave half way through the show's run because he beat up his wife and fled to Mexico... who was he replaced with? Balky... Balky from Perfect Strangers. The show wasn't so much "good" as it was strange and somewhat awkward. There were so many members of this family, and so many of them were similar, that really the only reason to watch this is to see Patrick D. try and be a good father.

And at five o'clock is the grand mother of family sitcoms... by far my favorite, even after it jumped the shark big time: Boy Meets World. During it's early years, the writing was so good, and the messages were so simple that I couldn't help but love it. And once it got awful (which happened exactly at the point where Corey goes off to college) it was still amusing in a completely different way. And actually I sort of enjoy the craziness of the later years just because of how unbelievably bad they were. Corey and Tapanga get married (and she gets fat and has lip implants) and suddenly they become sex fiends. Meanwhile, Sean goes off the deep end, denouncing God, joining cults, and talking to the ghost of his dead father. Not to mention Eric becomes a total man-whore, party-animal, schemer. Am I the only one that finds it a tad creepy that Mr. Feeny manages to follow them all throughout their lives and remain a teacher to them? Yeah, a tad awkward.

I find it oddly disturbing that I am more fascinated by early 90's television than I am with most of the crap that is on the networks today. I could care less about reality television, and the sitcoms on today are all about a fat guy with a hot wife, troubled teens, and alternative lifestyles. Not my idea of a good time. We may never see shows like this again, and maybe that's a good thing. All I know is that these are my "Andy Griffth" and "Mary Tyler Moore" shows. When I am an old man, I will make my kids watch these shows on TV Land, and they will have to go to a museum to see "My Mother the Car."