Accepting Applications for Personal Boswell

I think I have finally discovered what my life is lacking. I know this may sound familiar. As faithful readers of this blog - there has to be three or four of you - are probably aware, I always seem to be finding something which my life lacks. Just last month I was bemoaning my lack of a mustache. Well, I have now officially grown a mustache - which is very masculine and cool, and only a little creepy. So, now obviously it is time for me to move on and discuss one of the other myriad things of which my life is sorely in need.

I want - nay, I need - a personal, official biographer. There has to be someone out there with immense writing talent and limitless free time willing to follow me around and record my life for my posterior - by which I mean future generations, not my rear end. Just for the record, I would like my rear end to have its own separate biographer. This person will receive limitless access to me and my life. He can follow me around my house, or when I'm at the store, or when I'm at the gym - I do work out after all. He'll have to spend every waking moment with me, and most sleeping moments. I'll have to get bunk beds. This man, or better yet, this attractive young woman - I'm as of this moment officially not accepting applications from men or fat chicks - will be forced to neglect her own life to better know and appreciate my life.

Of course, I know everyone is wondering what makes my life so interesting that it simply MUST be documented. Well, to be completely honest, there is really nothing to make my life special. I don't do anything truly extraordinary. I sit around. I read some. I watch a little TV. I work out - have I mentioned that I work out, because I do, indeed, work out. I go out to the bar once or twice a week. I say clever things sometimes - that's all Johnson really did and he got Boswell - but not really that often. In short, my life is pretty average and pretty dull, and this is exactly why I think I need a personal biographer.

Think about it. Average people - people like you and me - don't get biographies written about them. Generally, only 'important' people like presidents, royalty, and great thinkers and scientist get to have official biographers. Well, I think it's about time one of us little guys gets a shot at having a biography, and I think I am just the guy to get it. I'm about as average as they come. I'm smarter than some, dumber than others. I've got some potential, but most of it remains untapped, just like most people's. I'm firmly planted in the middle class. I like watching sports on TV, and hanging out with my friends. In short, I'm just like you and a million other poor shlubs. I am the perfect person to get the 'average man's biography' treatment. Now, you might ask, why do I get to get the treatment instead of you? After all, I just said we are pretty much alike. The answer to this is quite simple. I called dibs. So - according to the rules of the playground - I get the personal biographer. Deal with it.

I am well aware that whatever biography is ever produced about my life could be, well, let's just say a little dull. I imagine entire chapters devoted to the relationship between me and my couch. I am almost positive that this sentence will appear at least once: "James had a strange habit of scratching himself at the most inopportune times in the most inappropriate places." While I am completely fine with this - I would just be happy to be followed around by an attractive young woman who takes notes on everything I do - I am sure the average reader would disagree. So, I am willing to grant my official biographer certain 'creative liberties' with her work. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to insist upon them. So, now there is a good chance the following statement might appear in my official biography: "James was busy scratching himself when he was attacked by 30 foot tall killer robot ninja assassins which James quickly dispatched with his deadly laser eyes." Also, my attractive young female official biographer will be free to include a tawdry affair between her and me. Of course, this tawdry affair need not be fictional.

So, let it be known, I am now accepting applications for the position of official biographer. The ideal applicant must be an attractive young woman. Please allow me to place emphasis on the word attractive. The applicant must possess superior writing skills and an endless supply of free time. This position offers no salary - unless you actually manage to sell the book, at which point you will keep one percent of any money made from the work. However, as compensation, the applicant will get to spend all her time hanging out with me. We will go to the movies, restaurants, and, if you are very good, amusement parks. If the applicant is very qualified - really hot - I may even allow her to pay for me as well as for herself. Please, respond immediately. My life is currently wasting away undocumented. I am looking forward to wasting my life away documented.

Shalom