Dome and Domer

Dear Watergate Scandal,

Just who the hell do you think you are? Seriously you walk around like you are the only political scandal in the world. Just because they made a movie about you starring Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman, you think you’re the ONLY SCANDAL THAT MATTERS. Now, you think you’re so hot. You’re the scandal all other scandals are judged by. Hell, they even name them after you. Every other scandal is gate this and gate that. Hell, baseball players start shooting ‘roids and all of a sudden we have BALCO-gate.

Well, I’ve got news for you, Watergate. You’re lucky. That’s it. You’re not that great a scandal. You just came along at the right place and the right time. Mass media was exploding. Big stars were available for filming. You had pornography references. Good for you. But you and I both know that you’re not all that. The American public has a short attention span. If they didn’t make a movie out of it, it must not be worth knowing about.

If I had happened 50 years later I would be top dog. I know it. You know. If only the American people knew it. I rocked America to its core, man. I practically brought Warren G. Harding to his knees. I had everything: intrigue, underhanded oil deals, the Ohio gang, all set against the backdrop of the roaring twenties. I even have a better name than you. Watergate? What’s that? It’s weak. It’s lame. It sounds like something a tug boat has to deal with. Now listen to this: The Teapot Dome Scandal. Now that’s a name. It’s quirky, but strong. The sound of it just makes you want to learn more about Secretary of the Interior Albert Fall and his shady dealings. You, Watergate, are named after an apartment complex. I’m named after a giant rock…that looks like a teapot. Now that’s bad ass.

So, why isn’t everything named after me? Why isn’t everything dome this and dome that? Why weren’t you Watergate-dome? I’ll tell you why: Americans don’t care about the past. No one made a movie about me. Was it my fault that I occurred in the early to mid 1920’s? I tried to get D.W. Griffith to make a movie about me, but he was too busy making heroes out of Klansmen. Now that’s a wise career move. Sure I was in some newsreels. I was sandwiched between a Laurel and Hardy short and a Betty Boop cartoon. Great.

Then you came along. The right scandal at the right time. Media was exploding. News papers needed something to print. People were making prestige pictures about hot button topics. Everything else is history. Now you don’t even hear about me unless you’re studying the Harding administration. So, nobody hears about me. You’ve buried me. And I’m not the only one. When was the last time you heard something compared to the XYZ affair? And don’t say the last time you got pulled over for DUI, jackass. Even I don’t know anything about the XYZ affair. Thanks to you American political scandals begin and end with Watergate. Seriously, how many worthy American scandals have you covered up? How many were dismissed as some lesser –gate? Share the love. America’s history is rich with scandal. Could you at least send some B-list talent our way? I’d be happy if they made a movie about me with Tom Arnold as the heroic crusading Senator Thomas Walsh? Seriously, send me Ralph Macchio and Cory Haim. I’ll get a treatment together. Please, help your scandal brethren.

Sincerely,
The Teapot Dome Scandal