Columbus Day Make-Over

Happy Columbus Day!!!

That really doesn’t do anything for you, does it? Come on admit it. You don’t care about Columbus Day. As far as you’re concerned this is just another Monday. Unless you’re a high school student, banker, or a postal worker, Columbus Day is the biggest sham on the calendar. It’s marked right there, clear as day in black and white as a holiday, but when the day arrives, there is absolutely nothing special about it. The only thing that makes this day special is that I can’t go to the bank to cash a check. And I don’t even have a check to cash.

Let’s face it. Columbus Day – contrary to the prevailing calendar wisdom – is not a holiday. There is nothing special about it. What are we even celebrating? Oh, yeah Columbus discovering the new world. Here’s a news flash for everyone: Columbus discovered the West Indies. He didn’t discover America. So, why do we have a useless American holiday commemorating it? Plus, it’s not like we have huge Columbus Day festivals, fireworks, or even family Bar-B-Q’s. Why do we give kids a day off from school for this? What are they supposed to do with this extra day? Do they expect kids – not to mention bankers and postal workers – to sit around and contemplate the importance of Columbus’s voyages? No. Even if the U.S. government expected this to occur, is this really worthy of a full day off? I’m pretty sure this can be accomplished by setting aside a minute during homeroom. Just put it right after the moment of silent meditation.

Here’s my suggestion: Either we make Columbus Day a holiday proper with full pomp and circumstance, or we kick its sorry, lame-ass holiday butt to the curb. We can make Columbus Day better. We have the technology. We can rebuild it bigger and cooler. The first thing we have to do is get rid of the whole historical commemoration angle. It is completely lame. Sure, Columbus spent months aboard a leaky boat traversing the oceans into the unknown so that he could…Blah, Blah, Blah. We don’t care. Kids now a days have a hard time playing Grand Theft Auto for more than an hour at a time, they’re not going to appreciate the story. If we want to make Columbus Day a viable holiday, the story needs to be streamlined and updated to be more in line with the more sophisticated tastes of today. We need to sex Columbus up a little bit. I suggest that from now on Columbus Day commemorate the day Christopher Columbus fought off an unholy army of Zombies and then had sex with a hooker. That’s the kind of story the kids of today can identify with.

Now, with the new back story firmly in place, all we need is some fun annual events to take place on Columbus Day. Every town should have a Columbus Day Festival complete with Columbus Day themed events such as Zombie costume contests, firing ranges, Zombie movie festivals, roller coasters, and balloon animals for the kids. The day will culminate with the reenactment of Columbus’s victory over the zombie horde. The official Columbus day king and queen will play the lead roles of Christopher Columbus – who could be changed from explorer to film producer/director if the back story still seems to reek a bit too much of history – and the hooker with a heart of gold and chainsaw of death. Here’s a sample of how the end of the script would look:

Columbus: That seems to be the end of the walking undead. I still wish I could’ve saved Pizzarro.

Hooker: He sacrificed himself for us…I’ll give you a free one.

Columbus: Sweet Ass!!

(Cue Zambelli fireworks extravaganza)

Now, that’s the kind of a holiday celebration which warrants the post office being closed. From this point on I am officially petitioning the U.S. Government to officially implement the changes I have outlined. Once this is complete, you may consider Columbus Day officially fixed. Then, it’s on to Arbor Day, Presidents Day, Valentine’s Day, Earth Day, Boxing Day, and Administrative Assistant’s day.

Shalom
James